Do I Deserve to Call You Mine?

I think that I’m the missing puzzle piece that has been keeping my system from processing our trauma.

Maybe not me specifically, but my subsystem in its entireity. And it’s not because I’m afraid of the flashbacks and emotions that I’ll open up – I thought that for a long time, but I was wrong.

Isn’t it strange how you can take on guilt as a toddler for something no sane adult would blame on a child of ANY age? The indestructible belief in your own inner power is supposed to give you enough confidence to become a grown person of your own design. Instead, it turns on you, convinced that your preschool self had the capacity to meet adults on their level.

Guilt is what kept me from letting these memories out of their box. And it’s guilt based on a kind of insanity. I cut myself off from my good memories, convinced that I didn’t deserve them and that I needed to keep away from them to protect the rest of my system. And so I destroyed the main connection that I had to the things that would have proected my system the most.

I say it all very openly, but I’m not used to this “being connected to my emotions” business. That has always been Lothair’s job, and I have always kept myself distanced from my feelings (except for anger) so that he can feel and I can function.

The obvious step is that I need to talk to our therapist, but I have no idea how to articulate what is going on in my head. I thought that I would try it on here first. Not sure how that is going. Hopefully it helped organize my brain at least a little bit.

-James

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