Meet the System

A work in progress.

Charles: Oh god. Um…. Have decided how I feel about being abused too many times to know how I actually feel. Too much anxiety to front in therapy. We’re getting there. Blog posts are helping, honestly, so here I am. 

James: Permanent resident of Flashback City: City of Flashbacks. Consequently, I have trouble fronting all the way by myself. Of course, I’m the one who likes our job the most. I also really, really like cross stitch. Pretty amazing grounding tool, just fyi.

Jennifer: Was a persecutor not all that long ago. Still suspicious of life and want to bite it all over to see what it’s made of. I like old sewing machines and interesting fabric, and my dream is to sew clothes for everybody in our system, so they can feel like themselves in “real life”. My personal dream aesthetic would be that of a Stepford Wife haunted by the ghost of her origin body and out for revenge. It sounds cool, but I’m still figuring out what it looks like. So far, I like 60’s-style dresses, and 50’s style dresses “but with horror elements”. 

Katran: I know and remember too many happy things to be allowed out much. Hopefully this changes as we recover from being gaslit. I love writing stories more than anything in the world and, to me, everything from cooking to singing to doing the dishes is writing stories in my head.

Lothair: I would like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with my partner system in a house in a forest with my classic literature novels, Eastern European Romantic-era music, and an assortment of typewriters, fountain pens, and self-replenishing paper. Not to mention tea, all of the Myst games (yes, even THAT one), and all the Breaking Benjamin and Nightwish CD’s.

Mary/”Marionette”: I’m on level 747,563,321 of flashback bullet hell, and I’d like to think that I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it. (Translation: I am a “master gatekeeper” for the gatekeepers we are currently aware of. Less in charge of front and more in charge of making sure we uncover memories in the right order at the right pace. But I do suspect that there are more of us and I will be dethroned once we dig to Balrog levels.)

Mikhail: That feeling when you’ve been around longer than almost anybody in your system and none of your headmates can consistently remember that you exist.

Moira: I was one of the last “hosts” before becoming self-aware and the first subsystem to start recovering trauma memories since escaping abuse. So I’m less “well duh we’re a system” than a lot of the other alters who have posted here. Still figuring myself out, as most of my life was a lie, though we are finding that a lot of our happiest memories are mine. I like cats, strawberries, and my spouse.

Peter Pan: I’m in the same boat as Katran – heavily monitered by The Gaslit Ones. It is very difficult to write anything authentic because of this, so I’ll pass for now.

Sasha: Well, I know that I used to be one of our main hosts, but I can’t remember much about myself. It’s so weird to be able to FEEL who you used to be, but not be able to grasp it.

Simon: So you know when you think you’re the primary trauma holder for your system, and then somebody opens up a shitload of wtf? Have been spending most of my time lately feeling bad for everybody else in our system. 

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