Maybe We Should Journal More

I mean, granted, we already DO this. We have a physical journal we use, we have a personal discord server, lighthouse… we have plenty of places to do this on, and we do. Maybe we need to do it more though, I realize.

Hey, Ren here, or whatever. I was very aggressively pulled out into the body moments ago (No I will not explain the specific event that caused it, just know it was really fucking stupid). I don’t actually know how long I’ll be here, but I’m damn sure gonna try and write this out. Because even if it was sudden to be in the body, I was already pretty damn close to front. Because I was ranting.

The Realization

Ranting, venting, blowing off steam. Call it what you like, but I was definitely here. And I know that someone who wasn’t in front had suggested me joining [REDACTED] (We would use an emoji, but that might not work) since they were starting to have a bad time. Well, it wasn’t right away, but I did somehow get on over here. Man am I fucking GLAD, because we got to the root of why they were starting to have a bad time. Turns out, some stuff they could remember most and must’ve been mulling over? Yeah that was actually the problem. And only because I was nearby and we were thinking it over–typing it into a journal, ofc–did we even realize that it was such an issue!

I will share, we’ve been regressed since basically last night, and had no idea why. I think I know why now.

More Personal Matters

I don’t want to dive much into it all; afterall, part of the realization involved what we share and to who, so I’m not really keen on being a hypocrite just yet.
But essentially, our close friend (psh, not for me) and roommate has been having some… relationship issues. Mostly involving very strong feelings that are borderline obsession–his words, btw. It’s been causing him physical pain and a LOT of anguish in general, and it’s happened like that for like 2 days. It just so happens that the memories [REDACTED] could remember and reflect on most prominently were from those two days, though they were kind of disconnected from the rest of those days, so it’s still a bit fuzzy up here. But it was centered around that, for sure.

I’m having a bit of trouble focusing now and remembering all I have to say now, but I’m still gonna try my best ^^; <-(A very not-Ren thing to type)

…

I guess I have to summarize what bits I’ve been left with -,_-,
Curse you, amnesia! And no I am not sharing who I think I am, because writing this is more important actually I’ve decided.

So essentially, we went through a lot of distress second-hand from our friend/roommate. He’s the reason we were able to move out, and we do absolutely care about him unconditionally, but our feelings are still complicated. He has a habit of coming to us when he’s having a rough time sometimes, and most of the time we’re not comfortable with it, but we support him anyways. Well, being a comforter is pretty much the primary role of the one who had been fronting for most of today, and they’re a regressor as far as we know. So they’ve… definitely been out a lot more than they had been for a while now. Oh, it may have actually been the past three days, still not really sure. But one of them was a particularly bad night, because we had no choice whenever our friend would suddenly come into our room to be consoled. We had been upset ourselves, but had to push it aside, and it was a total mess for us. We broke down at one point, but only partially, because we just. Did not have any control over ourself!

That was LAST NIGHT. It was two days. Okay, cool, a little bit of a stable timeline. No, last night we had to be there when he passed out in our bed IT WAS THREE DAYS-

Sorry. Our memory is really. Really not working for this.

But I’m pretty sure that after the… really uncomfortable talk last night, I think that is even more reason that the regressor had been in front practically since we woke up. I also won’t spill much, but our friend had made repeated attempts to get us to share our feelings regarding our other roommate (note, we’re still aroace lmao), and it was because he wanted a distraction. He wanted to listen to our experience so he could feel better himself. And unfortunately for us, the mindset is that we will have to make some sacrifices for his health. Afterall, we still care about him, even if we resent certain things, and he’s far more of an at-risk person than us.

Blowing Up

This is where Ren came in, their realization, but… they’re not exactly here anymore? Or if they are, well, I took their place? ^^;

What we ended up realizing was about what we sacrificed for him. And he had said it during the late night talk himself; that he wanted us to be vulnerable, because he was pouring his heart out for the first time in a long time. He’s just used to it, which is how he makes it look like nothing, even when it’s still hard for him.
So we were vulnerable. Because he was having a hard time with this girl he likes and they both weren’t really sure, so he chose to do something in the girl’s place. Which he didn’t want to do.

He made a choice that sacrificed for her. So we made our sacrifice for him, as awkward and stupid and awful as it felt.

Y’know what happened? He immediately took back what he did because the girl didn’t want it anymore, changed her mind for them. Made it so they could continue to talk and play games and stuff online together. Good for him, right?

What about us, then?

That’s what Ren was pissed off about. What we realized hurt us. Even now I can feel the threat of tears XD
But yeah, no. We’re… very, very prone to betrayal trauma, I guess? I like to believe that we function fairly well, since compared to others things aren’t… as severe? But I guess this is the main thing that pierces through us. Which makes sense, trauma and all.

Our friend was able to pour out his heart and his hurt, and then it didn’t even matter in the end because it’s been essentially reversed for him. But he made us spill out some private things, things we hold very closely, things we hide because having it will only lead to bad change. And we’re in the exact same spot. It’s like those rollercoasters in media where people get split up, y’know? They take different paths only to end up next to each other. Oh hey! And then paths diverge again. He went up, and we kept going in a straight line. And yeah, sure, it was out of both of our control, but he benefited. It made it feel like he actually was on the track that stopped somewhere, and we were on the track that kept going to who knows where. Being left behind.

So yeah, Ren was REALLY pissed off about that feeling of betrayal.

What Now?

Well, I don’t know. I think that us getting to the root of the issue is definitely a good thing, of course. It was kind of inconvenient to think we might be regressed all day otherwise ^^;;

I don’t know if we’ve learned to process trauma or not, and I’m sure this counts as trauma. I think… this will probably eat at us quietly for a couple days, maybe? Not sure. Eventually it won’t affect us so much, though, I’m sure. Ultimately it just. Reinforces the fact we’re traumatized: having trust issues, trouble with emotional regulation, but particularly that we have a HUGE issue being vulnerable–atleast to people closest to us. I think it’s gonna take a lot to recover… especially since we’re on our own with this, because we don’t have a therapist for support.

Our mouth is gonna have to recover from us eating a chicken sandwich, also =w= I can feel the stinging pain still ^^;

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UPDATE FRONT-

By the way, we’re not even really sure that was Ren XD It felt enough like them to think it, though, so we’re fine just leaving it at that. And they called themself Ren anyways, so I’ll take their word for it <3