I’ll get right into it. I cannot let go of what other people think. It’s driving my headmates crazy, the other day Matt interrupted me talking to myself to point out that I was fighting with someone who doesn’t exist anymore (a much younger version of myself and of someone I was once friends with).Â
It’s partly OCD related I’m sure. If we had a psychiatrist that was worth a shit in our city, maybe I could get some stuff sorted out. A number of flashbacks have been triggered by my inability to let things go. God, I wish I could forget THOSE events, but they are ever-refreshed in the mind and then the system is chaos until I move into the next thing.
It may also be some existential panic, like thinking that if I work through whatever it is that’s bothering me, then maybe I’ll suddenly be better. But if I don’t, I’ll be like this forever and nothing will ever improve. Funny enough, it has not improved either way, making the efforts pointless but still unavoidable. Ignoring the thoughts creates an awful feeling like my stomach is being vacuum sealed. I can’t do that forever, man.
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I’d like to get to the bottom of it, but idk if that’s possible. I don’t think anyone in my head is really ready to solve the issues except me, and it annoys me that this is something I deal with at all. I’m just frustrated and I feel like we hit a dead end and it’s kinda my fault.
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Totally relate, replaying scenes over and over in our head for fear itll fix it or change it, but it cant be changed, no matter how much we think about it. all we can do is do better tomorrow.
i hope i understood what you are saying and this is a helpful response
There are no quick fixes to a lifetime of trauma. There are no shortcuts to suddenly being better. At the same time, it’s possible to make progress and not realize you’ve made any, because it can often come slowly, a day at a time. Working through things takes time to percolate through the system, but it’s still valuable. Not that you have to work through every last bit of trauma – you don’t. But if something is majorly pushing up into your consciousness, fighting to push it back down can be quite counterproductive. These aren’t necessarily things to “solve”, just things to learn how to process and live with.