vent about damaged relationships

I try so hard to remain, if not positive, at least level headed. I know how pointless it is for me to sit and stew in my own woe. But here I am, stewing.

There’s been a lot of thinking happening. A lot of remembering or looking for memories. A lot of questioning if past events were what I remembered. Getting a lot of answers to those questions. I can’t say too much about it but I can say that I can’t believe whats happened, and I really don’t know how to feel about it.

We can cover up and act like it was one time and everyone’s different and better now, but that’s not how that works.

They didn’t realize the error of their ways and work on themselves, they were just so used to being deviant they didn’t even think it could possibly make a problem for me. I.e. they have long forgotten what they did. And I don’t know if it would be worth it to approach at any point, because our relationship is otherwise basically good. But there is a wall permanently driven between myself (+headmates) and the perpetrators, which I built using the stones they threw at me.

Things didn’t have to go that much different to be so much better. If at any point either of them had stopped to consider the long-term impact of their actions, perhaps there would just be one of “me”. But now that there’s many of us, we basically have to figure it out on our own time. I’m not angry at my headmates, I’m angry at the people who broke me before I was old enough to know it wasn’t my fault.

Today we went to my grandpa’s house. I don’t spend much time with him usually, but he’s in hospice now and we’ve been helping out some. He told me that my dad gets way too angry about little stuff and it makes him not want to talk to him. Then he said “he pisses me off.. I know he pisses you off too” and I could only laugh to hide the little bit of sadness at my extended family being aware of how my dad is and not being able to help me. Because yeah, he pisses me off. Sometimes so bad I want to hurt people. Not that I would, but I have broken things. And I don’t know who exactly I’m fronting with right now, but that’s what we have to deal with. And it just drives home how little sense it made for us to have been raised that way.

There was no safe space at home. Bathrooms? Nope. Outside? Not after a while. School was my safe space, and school sucked.

The relationship with our mother is almost as bad, maybe worse in some ways that I can’t talk about. I’m just horrified by what she’s done. I just can’t believe it happened. I could’ve been doing okay but instead I was poisoned by their terrible parenting. And the worst part is I blame them for all of it but I don’t hate them. I’m just confused

Sorry that’s so long lmao