Figuring us out

When we started to see our current therapist, who was at least the fourth to diagnose us with DID btw, we thought we might be 8 in total, maybe 9. Never imagined how wrong we could’ve been. Back then we thought these 8 might be the whole system (we’re calling our (sub-)systems teams). Turns out that this was  only our host team. We call them the OGs. We know that there’s no original alter, but the OGs existed since early childhood and had been with us for possibly our entire life. They witnessed a lot and have been there when most of us has been newly formed.

We might be a so called poly fragmented system. Realizing that seems to be a major step towards healing and integration, considering the fact that we denied the first three diagnosis for maybe a whole decade just in order to pretend to be a singlet. Most of our hosts know that we are plural since early childhood. But then there are also some of us who really believed that we never experienced trauma at all. And we all know that DID doesn’t come to existence by having a trauma free life. Sometimes, when amnesia kicks in, they’re wondering wether the fourth diagnose is right or not. Heyyyyyy….

One of our main hosts and physical protector tries to explain to us our entire life that we are plural. He left so many notes, wrote letters and notebook entries since we learned writing in first class, explaining his existence and that there are more of us sharing this body. But whenever the amnesia people found the evidence of our plurality they’d end up tearing it apart and throwing it away, removing all proof just in order to keep pretending to be so called “normal”.

Now, since we’re starting to talk to each other, we’re realizing how much we hurt his feelings back then when we were kids. Not only by denying his whole existence although he protected us from a lot of shit, but also by destroying his stuff. It took him a while to start talking to us again and to build trust again. He still struggles with writing into journals because somehow he’s still afraid someone might throw it away. 

Remembering the first time we went to see our therapist, she asked us about our long term therapy goal. We answered that we wanted to fuse into one personality one day. Now this goal seems so out of reach since we’re not even knowing how many we’re sharing this body with. A few moths ago we started to form subsystems in order to get a better overview about our system members. But the work doesn’t seem to end. And also we don’t want to end up spending all our time on our system and forget about the outside world. 
Right now even integration seems to be really hard to reach. We guess if we could reach a point where we don’t have to deal with amnesia anymore it’ll be the biggest success we could expect for now. 

And sometimes, when an alter firstly appears and shares their stories, some of us are struggling to believe that it’s true and not only made up in our minds which might make it even harder for others to come up with their stories as well. Also, imagine yourselves holding back for so long and the system members are encouraging you to share your stories and when you’re finding the courage to come up with something nobody believes that it really happened. That sucks. And it hurts.
It might be easier to deny it, because then all these terrible things which caused our DID to form actually never happened. But unfortunately they did, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.
Acceptance is something we all really have to learn. By time. No pressure.

Sorry if this seems to be chaotic, we still have to figure out which way of journaling is working for us. Never tried this before.