Greetings!

   Well hello random stranger, I am not sure how to introduce myself here. I have been in the process of changing my name so let’s go with my current favorite, Charlie (subject to change) or just Soulcolors. I’ve been diagnosed with DPDR, PTSD-D (US here, no C-PTSD option), amnesia and a slew of other physical + MH conditions. I am currently under evaluation for DID/OSDD and have at least confirmed I am multiple. I want to work on talking about my experiences that I’ve always been too afraid to tell to non-dissociative people. I will speak of things how I understand them to be.

   I’ve been in and out of therapy for going on 8 years and never understood why it wasn’t working the way it did for other people. I had recently all but given up on therapy helping me when I was sent for a Neuro-Psych evaluation this past May resulting in a diagnosis of amnesia. Let me tell you that hit me like a truck. I knew I had really awful memory issues but wrote it off as brain fog from my chronic illnesses. I never saw amnesia coming – the irony. After that I poured into research on structural dissociation and dissociative amnesia and I don’t remember exactly how it happened but from my understanding, someone made themselves known to me and I realized I knew them already. Their voice/presence had been in the back of my head for at least 7 years that I could recall. It was so normal to me I never thought to question it. After an incident with a 3yo part fronting alone I realized I needed to reconsider what I was dealing with.

   Making a long story short, through extensive research and about six months of work, I believe I am multiple…most of the time cause denial is quite a beast. I originally thought they were all versions of myself but the more I learn and observe the more I realize that’s not really the case. I don’t know much but I’m learning everyday.

   Enter fear and destabilization. I am terrified to talk about this because I’m worried I’m wrong and I will accidentally hurt people or use resources that are meant for others. I’m worried I’ll increase the stigma or give false information so I’ve largely kept it to myself but I feel as though this is a safe place for my confusion so I’m going to try. 

   Since this is all long and rambling I will save the rest for another day. I am really not sure if anyone will ever introduce themselves here and I can’t tell any of us from each other half the time anyway as I’m still discovering and we’re very covert masking. I’d like to talk about symptoms and more specific experiences and such in the next one I think.

Until next time

Charlie