We must go to therapy soon.

We recently thought about it a lot, and decided that the problems we’re having, we can no longer handle alone. I’m forgetting more and more, Im discovering versions of myself that want help but refuse to let me remember why, this has become nearly unmanageable. I’m losing my shit, calmly and safely. 

I am genuinely afraid of what I will uncover if and when I find someone worth my time. I know we need help, kind of desperately now, but the process of finding help (and the cost, of course) are hard to justify. But then a few months pass, and I lose myself in the mix, and now I don’t know what to do besides go find someone who’s qualified to help me. I’m lost, really. I’m trying.

I’m an act of self-awareness and good emotional articulation (where I can), I’m quite well acquainted with the frustration and discouragement I feel when I realize I need help but can’t say why for whatever reason. It is so, so frustrating, and I feel so fucking stupid and loud and like I’m making a bunch of huge expensive mistakes in search of something I may not be able to get help for. I guess a lot of people feel that way, but the internal conflict on this matter is PALPABLE. Every time I think about going to therapy again, I’m met with so much pushback it immediately deters me. Around every corner. It’s all shit.

I’m trying to stay positive but like I’ve experienced the world enough to know it’s self-serving. I don’t even really want a diagnosis or anything like that, I don’t want to be recognized by any certain name or label, but I do want someone to hear me out and to point me in the right direction. 

If and when I go to therapy, this is what I plan on telling them.

The biggest hurdle in getting, engaging with, and continuing with therapy is my apparent inability to say what I need to say. Whether it’s how I feel on a topic, an experience I have (or have had), or even just remembering what it was that brought me in to begin with, whatever it is, I never feel like I’ve said it in full. It’s like trying to catch invisible fish with my bare hands and some of those fish might be a barracuda. Any memory I dig for might end up ruining my whole setup, and it slips away easily. I struggle to relate to the person I was 20 minutes ago.

I constantly ruminate over past mistakes just to give my brain the stimulation it needs. It is driving me crazy and distracts me from current events. 

In the past, attempts to address the rumination have been unsuccessful, and I would give up on it, forget how scrambled everything is, assume I don’t need therapy, and quit. I’m not even doctor shopping, I simply think I’m actually fine despite outward displays of a lack of fine-ness. I have chased a number of labels in the past, schizophrenia (and adjacent disorders), personality disorders including ASPD, nothing ever seemed to fit but what else could I do? And then I gave up for a long time. I’ve just reached a point where I’m perpetuating an issue I’ve avoided for some 8 years. 

Idk