Whatever this is…I dislike it

So in the short time we’ve been doing EMDR, a bunch of infinitesimal fragments have integrated into moderately larger fragments, and/or have integrated “into” larger fragments/alters

I am a result of one of these latter types.

I used to exist, at least in name. I’m not entirely sure I’m all the same pieces and parts that I used to be…but I have memories of existing in a form looking similarly to this, and going by the name Daniel, before.

I used to be called Gabriel before this integration, but that was getting confusing, because there’s at least two other alters named Gabriel in our system…so it was a relief when I remembered and began to resonate with the name Daniel again.

What sucks about all of this integration is…I don’t feel like I have the same emotional resonances anymore.

It was the two year anniversary of the first date “I” had with “my” “wife” on Sunday. We…attempted to have a date last night.

Surprising everyone in my system, they were able to get me into front with relative ease. They were seeming to suspect that they would have to ladle the primordial sludge I have been this last bit into a glass bowl and set it in the fronting area.

Anyway, I began fronting. And I was still pretty confident about my date. I *remember* having dates with these alters who I’m having another date with.

“Is it okay if I front?”

I ask who it is, and upon hearing it is someone in the vast tangle of alters who my tangle has dated, I say sure.

I don’t emotionally recognize this person at ALL though.

Is this just a thing with where I’m emotionally at now? Like, I’m too depressed and suicidal to be able to recognize the people I love?

Is this a thing where I specifically just have nevwr fronted around this particular alter before?

Their actions remind me of things that Nai and Link have talked about. So maybe it’s juat a thing where those two are the ones who know this person better…

But what do I do? I still am not emotionally recognizing thia person. Snuggling feels…weird. Not bad. But definitely…odd. It felt like I was lying beside a total stranger.

I ask what sort of things they like. The answers are ones I’ve heard before from the tangle my tangle has been dating…so I feel a little bit of hope at recovering this evening into something that feels like a date. Until they ask about myself and I realize that I seem to be on the complete opposite end of the spectrum of tastes, at least in terms of movies and shows.

“…pretty much the exact opposite of what you said…” I admit, feeling a heavy weight get added to my shoulders.

What part of my tangle really liked watching the type of things this person did? WAS there someone in my tangle that did? I can’t honestly remember…

They suggest going with my tastes for a movie. But I can’t think of anything that sounds interesting, or that I feel up for rewatching.

Dissociation of the bad kind begins to set in for me. Normally I would fight it, but with my mental health where it’s at, I do nothing to stop it and all but encourage it to take root.

I didn’t think I was depressed enough to basically self harm on not only a date, but a date that was suppose to commemorate a milestone in a relationship.

They go on their phone, and I put a pillow over my face to block out the light from the ceiling. Maybe if I just give myself time to think, we’ll be able to come up with something

The only thing that comes into my mind is a question.

What if I don’t have any emotional connection to this person because of integrating? Like…what if the parts that hold that emotional resonance are elsewhere, and did not come to integrate with me specifically?

I start to wonder how to bring up the fact that I have no emotional resonance to this person, when I hear them say “I love you.”

I panic and internally freeze, instinctively responding with an “I love you, too.”

Stupid trauma response.

Now I REALLY don’t know how to tell this person that I don’t have the emotional connection to them as they seem to have with me.

I’m desperately hoping that this is a case where they’re in love with Link, an alter who is side-by-side with me a lot of the time…so maybe this person sees a familiar feeling, and is assuming I’m part of that connection?

I’m desperately hoping that I specifically just don’t know this particular person, and I can just admit this and we can figure out where to go from here.

Food needs to be made, so I let them go. I continue to try to figure out how to tell them that I don’t think I specifically am dating or in a relationship with them.

I…Don’t know how to navigate this. Especially after I told them that I loved them too.

The bad dissociation increases, making it even harder to think.

I give more of the reflexive “I love you too” replies

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m…trying to figure out how to articulate it.”

Well, at least that was honest.

The snuggles still feel weird. Again, not bad. But definitely odd.

I don’t feel hungry, or more…I don’t want to eat. I’d rather go hungry than disrupt my brain trying to put words together

“I’m not going to eat anymore of this, so if you want it, you can have it.”

My self-harm focused part of the brain responds first. “I’m not hungry.” I give a shrug.

I briefly wonder if this particular person knows how much BS that is. We’ve only eaten once today, so there’s no way our body WOULDN’T be hungry…but they haven’t been fronting all day, so I bank on them not knowing what I’m doing.

A few minutes pass, and a different part of my brain acknowledges the practicality of at least trying a bite of the food, to have a general sense of which alters in our system might like that particular dish.

l say that I’ll try a bite, and they reiterate that we can finish it off, should we wish.

After the initial bite, control gets taken away from the dumb part of my brain for a bit, and we do finish the dish. It was alright. We’d probably add some spices or something to it in the future, but the texture was good, it was warm, and it was food.

They ask if it’s alright to do tarot “to ease their mind”. I say of course.

Part of me wants to ask what’s up. But my anxiety that has crept up behind me unnoticed somehow has already gotten me to wonder if I am causing them stress or worry.

I wouldn’t be super surprised.

I’m basically only talking when spoken to. I’ve just been staring off into space, or having my face under a pillow for most of this time. I’ve been extremely suicidal as of late. All of these things are more than enough to cause worry.

I don’t ask what they’re consulting the tarot about, but I watch as the cards get spread.

I recognize the deck they’re using as one a particular other tangle of partner system uses and feel a sense of confirmation within me that I truly do have no emotional connection of a romantic kind with this person, even if it is simply due to the fact that I really haven’t fronted around them before

With this knowledge in my mind, I go back to thinking about how to say it, and let them continue to consult their cards.

Time passes both slower than molasses and yet very quickly. I’m getting nowhere with figuring out how to tell this person that, while they are definitely dating some of my tangle, I don’t think they’re daying me.

They’ve already asked about if there’s any 2-player boards games we have that sound fun. I can’t even remember what sort of board games we have, so I respond with something along the line of “I have no idea”.

Somewhere in this, they talk a little about something that I then assume is what they were consulting their tarot about.

I don’t have a lot I can say on the topic, though. I am not a therapist, nor do I have any background information on what they’re talking about, aside from that there’s Things. But I don’t have access to what the Things are, so I can’t ask questions or make any commentary.

The conversation dies again, and the silence that has filled so much of the evening already returns.

Bad dissociation completely floods my brain, and I’m too far gone to even try to fight it back anymore.

“I’m still someone you’re dating/married to.”

A voice shift and this statement briefly catches my attention. I glance over, hoping that this person will put the remaining anxiety to bed about this disconnect of emotion being something from integrating.

I don’t recognize this one either.

Waves of despair, bitterness, self-hatred, and depression all crash down upon me at once, sealing my fate.

Maybe I’m just too dissociated in the bad way for me to be able to tap into my emotions and regonize this one?

I don’t know. I’m too dissociated to think about that.

My brain is entirely too preoccupied with a different question

What if I don’t have any emotional connection to ANYONE anymore?

What if, since integrating into this form, I possess memories of being on dates with some people, but no longer have the emotional connection that went alongside it?

Even scarier…what if I never had the emotional romantic connection to begin with? What if the romantic attraction was all coming from someone right next to me, and I merely assumed it was my own?

I don’t know.

I honestly am not fully sure I will ever know at the point.

My brain begins forcing me towards sleep. There’s no more energy for anything else.

And so, without bidding goodbye or goodnight to anyone, I drift off into oblivion.

-Daniel