Trying to Focus on Slowing Down

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

It’s been honestly a bit weird working on drawing and writing again. I feel like an afterimage, but I also feel like I am solidifying a bit?

I’m really trying to focus on slowing down the trauma VHS of my brain. Because my brain seems to be stuck in a mode where it only wants to fast-forward or rewind. “Try to predict the future in case of danger” or “remember all the horrible things in fragmented flashes”.

So focusing on grounding today seems like a good plan.

Cleaning with music is grounding. Maybe James will be up for sharing his dragon hoard of cross stitch (he has an entire piece of furniture dedicated to patterns and kits. Maybe he will talk about that someday.) We live in a place where it’s easy to take walks outside whenever.

I think writing and drawing are grounding too, but more in an untangling sort of way?

Writing is going okay. It’s very hard to focus (because of the previously mentioned VHS situation), but I think it’ll work itself out with practice. If we do end up consistently posting writing online, we’ll do it elsewhere, though. I would like to keep this blog as more of a document of our healing progress. It might be helpful for our own alters to look back and see how the others were able to improve. And our writing can be a bit…more telling and personal than is comfortable. I’ll provide a link to wherever we post our stuff if we go that route. I just prefer some sense of separation between the two modes of self-expression.

I really hate C-PTSD. I hate being unable to just…live and do the things I want. That is to say, I know we can do them, and we ARE doing them. It’s just…slow. And an extra barrier to being able to be myself that I do not at all appreciate. I just want to exist. 

We should be able to spend the whole day with partner system today, which will be nice. Even if we aren’t talking or directly interacting, having them around feels safe.


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