Every Alter Matters, Even Me

When we began the process of re-instating Lothair’s subsystem as our host, I remember Diana having trepidation about the alters that he would be able to bring to front. I have to confess that I didn’t take her concerns all that seriously. I thought that I had a pretty decent grasp on the amount of trauma that we hold, and I couldn’t imagine that anything new would come with challenges that didn’t have some basis in what we’ve already experienced. 

Just when I think I’ve learned the concept of “all headmates are equally valid parts of your whole self that need to be taken seriously”, something comes along to prove that I am more arrogant towards them than I realized. I’m sorry, Diana. 

Apparently, we have number of subsystems that experience paranoia. We’ve talked to our therapist about it, and she said, basically, “Yes, some of your alters experience paranoia, but they have REASON to be paranoid, so it’s still just PTSD.” So that was comforting. But it’s still…more life-disrupting than I expected it to be.

I also learned yesterday that we have headmates who see healing and memory recovery as the same thing. So they will pull up memories faster than we are able to process them. This isn’t pure misguided stupidity. They are the same alters that experience paranoia. And the way that their life was, not remembering your former experiences quickly enough could get you very, very hurt. 

I was able to find an alter who has gatekeeper/fronting control over these VERY traumatized parts. She can kick them out of front if need be. She does experience trouble with verbal communication, but I think between her and Lothair we will be just fine. 

Now we just need to focus on grounding these paranoid alters and helping them live in the present, rather than the future or the past. 

Journaling, as suggested by our therapist, has done wonders. One alter in particular has said that, when he starts overthinking, it’s like he’s caught in a whirlpool trying to cling to anything solid that can keep him from being swept away. And when our therapist said that, over time, writing down his scattered thoughts could calm that whirlpool to stillness, he was flabbergasted. (Even under the circumstances, it was a little funny seeing somebody who never shuts up innerworld actually shocked into silence for a change.)

Other than that, we’ve been trying to spend more time outside. Yesterday, we went for a picnic with partner system and talked for hours in the park. That was lovely. And we all feel the better for it. 

Even under the circumstances, it feels like our routines are coming back. We had routines before self-awareness, and we stuck to them religiously. But that was all sustained by beating ourselves up. What’s happening now is that it feels like we are remembering everything about ourselves that we lost growing up. We are very different people than the person that we let our abusers convince us to be. I guess this is part of the reason why so many of our alters gave up on fronting. 

But a lot of these stubborn alters who refused to play a part that they didn’t believe in are the same ones who are now so paranoid. They never stopped fighting back, and so a lot of things blew up in their face. You can’t keep openly challenging your abusers like that and expect to come away unscathed. They don’t know how to exist in the present without fighting, and they don’t know how to heal. 

I know that Lothair and I have been trying to pull these people up for years. We have been so sick of living a lie and were looking for the lost spark of ourselves that knew who we were. But the people that we have found are in need of OUR help, and I have to confess that this is not what I expected. 

I need to focus on figuring out who I am. I need to focus on living in the present and being as honest as I can in every aspect of my life. Because the alters who kept us from turning into clones of our mom are in NO shape to return to their former roles in our system. 

Maybe this is a good thing. 

Maybe I had the power to step away from my abusers all along, and trying to find alters to do it for me kept me stagnant instead of saving my life. 

I don’t feel as confident as I would like, but I guess that’s okay. I’m so used to purposefully living on the sidelines in my own head, treating myself like a function of our brain. The thought of letting myself be as alive as I try to encourage my headmates to be…it’s exciting and scary at once. I’m afraid of things falling apart if I let go of orchestrating the ebb and flow of alter interactions. 

Maybe I need to think of our entire system like BBC’s Dirk Gently’s Hollistic Detective Agency. The more you try to control them, the more messed-up innerworld becomes. Everybody needs to be allowed to figure themselves out, for themselves. And that includes me.

-Marionette