I hate everything right now

Alters are attempting to figure themselves out

That shouldn’t be a problem, but I just want to shut it all down

We just get…paralyzed.

Stuck.

It takes time to figure out who we are in the sense of figuring out what we like and what we don’t 

There’s too strong of barriers between us for us to be able to determine what our likes and dislikes are based on what other alters have tried.

We have to try everything for our individual selves in order to have any idea.

One of the first things we knew about “Gabriel” (now known as Daniel), was that he GREATLY dislikes spinach.

Then, other “Gabriel” alters (people we just lumped together…with little to no reason) would front, and all of them would be craving spinach artichoke dip from our local Applebee’s

…alters are each their own people.

Seems like a simple enough concept. And maybe it is, especially with smaller numbers of alters. But I don’t know about that, because we’ve been polyfragmented for 2/3+ of our life…and even if we weren’t, all systems are different to some degree.

I can only speak with the experience our system has.

And I HATE how our system is like with this.

And guess what? The only freaking ‘solution’ we can conceptualize to help us (because we literally CAN’T just pause and try any and everything we might need to do in order to figure ourselves out…we literally do not have the time to do this) is ✨️integrating/fusing alters✨️

Which is…terrifying.

And I feel bad, because I feel like integration is all our system is talking about these days.

I don’t want to talk about it so much.

I don’t want to even think about it.

I just want to exist.

But when we try to just exist…

We freeze.

We get paralyzed.

We DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

We DON’T KNOW WHAT WE LIKE.

We DON’T KNOW WHAT WE DISLIKE.

We don’t know…anything.

We’re tiny, fragmented, alters.

I want to go back to pretending to just be “one”. We could keep up the script. Memorize what interests we’ve spoken of to which people.

Just…ignore all the inner turmoil. There’s not enough time in a week, let alone a day, for all of us to be able to take the time, money, and experimentation that it would require for them each to figure out their dreams.

We…have to crush these tiny dreams together into amalgams. This may need to be done repeatedly before we are big enough pieces to actually have a significant sway in our monthly collective life.

I hate it all.

I just want it to stop.

I would rather pretend that we’re fewer parts and have the flexibility to shift things as they need…instead of losing the small parts in large amalgams, and not being able to be as fluid as situations require.

Life is chaos. Chaos is stress. Stress is splitting/rearranging.

If we stabilize and coalesce, and form Actual Forms…what happens when life throws us the next curveball?

We’ll just split apart again, right?

What is the POINT of trying to get anywhere with this?

Remembering people dear to us. Those that are outside our system. That’s the answer I just got from one of my headmates.

But why does remembering those people MATTER?

They’re not here with us.

They haven’t been around us in over 25 years.

They might even be dead by now.

Even if they ARE alive, they might not be safe.

They might be anti lgbt+. They might not good with mental illness.

There’s too many ways for them to just…let us down.

And if these are the only people currently giving my headmates hope, I would rather hide them away as a theory. That these people MIGHT exist somewhere out there.

I don’t want to try to find them though.

Hell, in many ways, I hope the theories my headmates have are flat-out wrong

Then they’ll be safer.

They won’t try to reach for something, only to potentially have it explode in their face as they grasp it.

They’ll instead just come to the same conclusion I have already reached.

That people outside of us are not Safe.

Occasionally, there are people who are Trustworthy.

But not Safe.

We are going to be hurt by everyone. That…is just part of life.

In fact, the people we care about the most, are the ones most able to hurt us.

I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want my system to be hurt.

If I could shut of “love” for myself…I can’t say with certainty that I wouldn’t. 

Because if I could shut off that feeling within myself, I feel like I could truly be safe.

Maybe not healthy.

But safe.

…I should probably talk to our therapist about this. I know there are a lot of flaws in my logic. I know my thought process of “if life is pain, we need to be alone and solitary in order to avoid as much pain as possible” isn’t healthy.

I know that admitting that I would likely shut of the feeling of “love” for myself if I could is likely going to hurt the people I do love…and I hate it.

Because one, it proves my point to myself.

People are going to hurt each other, even if just on accident…and those you are the closest to have more opportunities and ease to hurt you, because you’re with them with your guard down more.

So my job/role of “avoid hurt, and as many outcomes that can lead to hurt” has me stuck in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad predicament.

I love the people I have come to accept as Trustworthy. The ones I find myself fronting around, watching them exist and wishing that I in my cynicism can somehow see them smile far more often than I have seen them cry by the end of our days.

Yet I’m so scared.

And maybe that’s actually my whole problem.

I want safety. I want love. I want hope.

But my life has led me to believe that having hope…that being loved…hurts more than viewing everything with unflinching cynicism and distrust.

And my job/role is all about avoiding the WORST hurt.

So this whole thing fucking SUCKS, because the worst hope I have ever encountered is trusting in people and having them bring nothing but pain.

I…am what happens when the loving, trusting person who sees the good in everyone finally breaks.

I am what happens when forgiveness has been given four hundred and ninety times…and the people continue to hurt us on purpose

I have seen the darkness of humanity and I’m stuck forever seeing the traces of the deepest hurt and pain in the most kind and caring of people.

I want to pull my Loved People close and hug them. I want to run away from them all.

I want to feel safe.

Deep down, maybe I want to be proven…misguided. I cannot see my thought process as “wrong”. But I can definitely see how there’s no way of truly avoiding hurt and pain.

Interacting with people brings pain

Interacting with people brings hurt.

But I want to be disproven on the fact that it’s not worth still Interacting with people.

With trusting people.

And I’m…scared.

I’m terrified.

I don’t know what to do (aside from continuing to front more. And talking to our therapist)

I don’t know how things are going to go.

I’m scared of getting more hurt when I’m trying to trust someone and let them…past my guards.

I want to be healthy.

I want to heal.

But why does healing have to be so painful and scary?

I hate this

-Anon