How to be an Ally to Someone with a Dissociative Disorder
Grenzen
Different alters in a system might have different boundaries and limits they set with people. Due to this, navigating how you interact with someone must be done with care, especially since they won’t always tell you when they switch.
It would be best to remember that you are going to make mistakes. Know that you’re not in this person’s head and will mess up – be forgiving and understanding with yourself and do your best – that’s all you can do. Ultimately, being in the life of someone with a dissociative disorder boils down to some really basic principles that any relationship should have, which are even more critical when these disorders are in the picture. You need to be prepared – at all times – for the person’s boundaries to change. You need to gauge their energy and signals and be prepared to respect any changes as they occur. If they do not communicate clearly, you may miss some of these changes and signals, which is not your fault. You will miss things. Again, you are not in this person’s head. All you can do is make the effort and make sure you respect things as they are communicated.
All relationships and all people should be given the same respect – all people’s boundaries can change at any time and should be respected. When you’re dealing with dissociative disorders, change is just more likely, and there are sometimes more extreme shifts. People without dissociative disorders need to put some extra energy into adapting and learning how to react to these shifts and changing boundaries. You may be used to having a very physically affectionate relationship with your friend. But if your friend switches, and suddenly there’s a child alter with trauma who gets triggered when you get close to them, that’s something you have to respect. This child may also have difficulty communicating this because being open about having DID or OSDD goes against the nature of the disorder, which is to hide it. Getting used to these boundary shifts with those in your life with dissociative disorders and learning not to take them personally is a huge step in being an informed and safe ally for them.
For Friends Who Just Learned Their Friend Is A System
Figure out when you should be the one to bring up DID/OSDD in conversation.
This will vary system to system. You can ask your friend outright but also you may just have to gauge this over time, because different alters in their system might have different wants and needs and things might shift over time. Once you know they’re a system, how much do they want you to change the way you interact with them? This includes the language you use with them, any sensitivity needs or accommodations, now that they’ve opened up to you about this, etc.
Some systems might be relieved that now that they’ve told you they can finally ask you to ask who is fronting and address them by individual names – potentially they might ask you to learn a little bit if you’re willing or to teach you some of the language about the disorder. Perhaps that’s why you’re here.
Other systems, however, might be glad that now you’re aware and that they no longer are keeping this a secret from you as a friend, however they might not want you to change the way you treat them at all and might tell you they likely will continue to mask around you simply because that’s what’s easiest and most comfortable. Perhaps they’ll tell you things more often, but they won’t ask you to ask who is fronting or to change the way you interact with them on a day to day basis at all.
This will vary greatly from system to system, so it’s important to communicate and gauge any changes and comfort levels. An important thing to remember is that DID/OSDD exists to be hidden, so if your friend tells you and then doesn’t bring it up often, it’s probably because they wanted you to know and not hide that part of them from you, but it’s also a disorder that exists to be undetected, so having people bring it up or talk about it can feel incredibly unsafe. If you feel that asking questions about how to address your friend – no matter how well-intentioned – might make your friend uncomfortable, you might want to stop bringing it up and let them decide if and when to bring it up.
What Not To Do
Don’t ask a system to switch for you.
Unless it is a matter of safety, it is entirely inappropriate to ask an alter to try to switch so you can talk to someone else. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a long-distance relationship and this is the only moment you were going to spend with the alter you’re with. It doesn’t matter if you have something you really want to say to someone else in the system. It doesn’t matter if you really don’t get along with the person who is currently fronting. If the system itself needs to switch, it will; it is not up to you to ask it to do so. First, most systems have no control over switches. Second, switches are often triggered by something, so you’re actively asking the alter to trigger itself. Third, you are directly telling the alter that you don’t care if they get their little slice of life when they already don’t get a full life. This is a massive faux pas, and will likely cause you to lose trust within the system.
The only exception to this rule is for safety reasons – if an alter is fronting for a situation that is not safe for that alter. Even in that scenario, though, you don’t want to be forceful. Let them know you’re concerned and that, if possible, it might be a good idea if another alter was nearby in case they need to switch out. Again, most systems won’t have any control over this, but just putting it into words will put the system on alert and hopefully make any switches less jarring for them.
Don’t ask/pry about trauma.
Allow space for a system to open up to you (if you’re comfortable and able to hold space for it) at its own pace, but do not push and DO NOT ASK what happened to them or what “gave them DID”. Don’t do it. End of story.
Personal Experience:
Due to mental health being a lot more widely spoken about socially, I meet plenty of people who think it is okay to pry. Even the question being asked is difficult to contend with, and it can lead to panic attacks and further disassociation. I had a person once ask “What kind of long term trauma” and I asked them why they wanted to know. they shrugged and said “Curious” and it made me realize that sometimes, people have a morbid curiosity simply because of how absolutely rare this disorder is, and they want to know if you’ve been in a cult, or whatever. It’s not okay, and even strangers do this at times. It is perfectly fine to respond however way you are comfortable, including walking away, from a person prying. —EJK
Don’t ask if one of their alters is going to hurt or try to kill you.
This may seem obvious, but it happens more often than you’d think. People with DID (as well as anyone who has been a victim of trauma and/or abuse) are much more likely to be a danger to themselves than to anyone else. They are much more likely to be re-victimized than to have victims of their own.
Implying that because someone has DID that they are inherently physically dangerous to others perpetuates harmful stereotypes that are often portrayed in the media and can be very hurtful. That said, your safety is of course paramount, and it’s okay to ask questions that you really feel you need to ask in order to feel comfortable, but make sure you think them through and that they are really necessary. Don’t ask them just for the sake of asking them, and understand the weight that such questions can carry.
This is a question that can be very damaging. If you have no reason to be afraid of them – they haven’t given you any reason to be physically afraid of them, and you’re asking just to ask, STOP. If you really feel you need to ask this in order to maintain a friendship with this person for your own sense of safety and security, understand the layers and implications that come with this question, and do so with care and understanding. Be thoughtful in your approach. Consider whether or not what they say – yes or no – will make you feel better, or if you’ll still feel unsafe. If you’re going to feel unsafe either way, don’t put them through it, because it’s not a kind thing to ask, and instead accept that you don’t feel ready to be in this person’s life in a healthy way right now. Remove yourself before you cause harm.
Personal Experience:
My partner, upon a new, uncharacteristically quiet alter appeared, called her an axe murderer as a joke. Mind you, a different alter had called her creepy once, when she was just forming and blinking in occasionally, because of how quiet she was even when clearly present. she observes most often, and when fronting, rarely says anything at all, only responding with any information absolutely necessary. We understand it was a joke, but the implications were painful for us, and caused her to not wish to interact with him at all, feeling indignant to his suggestion. It has caused a bit of a rift in between us, whenever she is presenting, and hasn’t helped us work through becoming cohesive with this personality. — EJK
(Potentially a surprising one) Don’t go and do a bunch of research right away.
There is a lot out there that is very stigmatized and a lot of information that could be an incredibly inaccurate portrayal of what your friend is dealing with. Let’s say someone opens up to you about what they’re going through. You read outdated articles or look at someone’s social media who is dealing with a completely different version of the disorder. In this case, you could be giving yourself an inaccurate knowledge base with which to approach your friend. You risk offending them and having to unlearn everything you researched.
Instead, ask your friend how they’d like you to educate yourself, and if they’d like to play a role. It’s not their job to educate you, but they may want to, or they may want to direct you to the resources they’ve found most reliable or that best represent their experience. Especially when dealing with such a stigmatized disorder, where there’s so much misrepresentation and so much outdated information out there, it’s important to know where you’re getting your information from.
Don’t expect that you can ever be prepared or know what to expect
Know someone else with DID or OSDD? Great. That means nothing. You read this entire website front to back? Wonderful. That could be negligible. Everyone is going to have their own experience, and the most important thing is being able to learn and respect someone’s unique needs. Don’t come from a place of “but that’s the way I thought it worked.” Approach people with a listening and learning mindset, and be willing to adjust your understanding.
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