So, Sharon kind of got on my case about my last post. She challenged that I *do* love T-E-C. It’s why the whole Saoirse 2.0 journey happened. It’s why I work so hard to financially take care of us. It’s seen in my actions, if not always in my thoughts.
And, she’s probably right.
Love is a charged subject for me. Yes, there is the pure kind of love that I have for my Mom or my step-Dad…. but there is also the “love” of my father who constantly tore us down, or the “love” of my grandmother, who was just freaking crazy…. then to top it off there is the “love” of sexual abuse. “Love” hurts, has conditions, etc. Is it any wonder I often want little to do with it?
It’s hard for me to separate “love” from real, unconditional love. “Love” has been programmed pretty deeply. Not feeling good about myself has been programmed pretty deeply. These things were reinforced for years on end, and I guess I’ve kind of been brain washed to hate myself. Deep, deep down I’m convinced I’m a piece of shit.
So, how to correct this? I think it’s going to be like going off Zyprexa. Cold-turkey isn’t going to work. Slowly working on it over time is probably the only way. Baby steps, and all that. Today, I’m going to attempt to feel neutral about myself. <laugh> Feeling good about myself, feeling self-love, these things seem far away from me. But I don’t have to put myself down and feel like shit. I don’t have to perpetuate the messages my father programmed into me growing up. These are lies that I believe, and its time to fix that bit of programming.
And I’m really zoning out. Time to post and move on.