The lights were down, Heilung was blasting on the headphones, and I settled into what I expected to be some romp down through mythological symbology. I even said, “Perhaps a drop from the river Lethe?” But, a little later, instead of being led on a journey, I find myself with a laptop open to a Word document titled “We Need To Talk”. Ah, crap.
The rule in the Word doc was that it not be shared directly with the public, so we could talk without holding anything back. I deleted the doc out of respect for that agreement and won’t give a blow-by-blow here. Basically, FW took me to task, saying that the problem wasn’t just the flashback but that it was making it hard for me to maintain my denial. Ouch.
But, I have to admit, FW is right.
I know, you’d think denial wouldn’t be an issue after all these years. Well, folks, I’m here to tell you it is. Even if we generally have accepted something as a system, that doesn’t mean every one of us has. And yes, every single alter can have separate denial issues. While I fully acknowledge aspects of our abusive past, this flashback brought me into contact with something I have been in denial of for most of my life.
I was built to work. (We grew up in the family business – working has been a thing since childhood.) And, until 3-4 years ago, that’s really all I did. I didn’t have to be in touch with the sexual abuse side of our history, I just had to work hard and bring home a paycheck. Then Janet stepped aside as host, and I somehow ended up with the job. And folks, I’m struggling with it.
For years I’ve held contradictory views in my head. On one hand, I’ve admitted to the sexual abuse history in therapy. On the other, I’ve privately doubted it and only accepted the abuse that I directly experienced growing up. I know, that makes no sense. I’m a trauma holder and I’m part of a DID system. Accepting abuse that happened outside of my awareness shouldn’t be hard. But it is, it majorly is.
But, thanks to flashback magic, it’s no longer outside my awareness. It’s not an academic thing that happened to the system but not to me personally. I FELT IT. Yes, I have had a flashback of sexual things before, but somehow convinced myself it was a fluke. Now I’m really wondering if what my system has said could really, really be true – that we were sexually abused on a regular basis for years. ICK.
At the end, FW presented me with the red pill and blue pill choice, although the red pill was labeled “grow” and the blue was labeled “wither and decay”. Put that way, I chose the red pill.