Tips for Developing Communication with Alters

Disclaimer: This article is based on the personal experiences of one system and should not be taken as fact—this will not work for everybody. It can be taken as a suggestion for something to think about and to bring to a professional you’re working with if it resonates with you.

When discovering their system, many people immediately and naturally focus their attention on their alters. You’ve just found that you’re not the only person sharing your life; it’s incredibly normal to want to focus on other people – to get to know them, to learn about them. Systems will learn how to progress in healing this disorder, and they will learn that developing communication is a massive step in the process, so many will immediately focus on that step – on trying to get their alters to communicate with them.

However, is it the most healthy or productive way to go about things? Personally, I haven’t found that to be the case. 

It’s hard, but instead of falling into the temptation of wanting information and communication from your alters, try to focus on yourself. Focus on working to make yourself – as an individual – the most healthy, well-adjusted, capable, strong person you can be. Work on managing your triggers, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and building a support network. In between – periodically, but not TOO often – make sure you make gestures to let your alters know that you’re opening up space for them when they want to communicate. This might mean speaking out loud to give them a chance to respond, writing notes, etc. Perhaps make this a weekly practice.

You’re doing several things by focusing on yourself rather than your alters.

1. You have to remember that DID and OSDD are meant to be hidden disorders. You discovering the disorder in the first place is already probably very scary for your alters. For you to also move on to wanting a bunch from them – communication, for them to go to therapy, reveal trauma, etc, is even more, and they are more likely to want to shut you off completely. They are more likely to open up to you on their own time. By focusing on yourself rather than them but giving regular openings for them to communicate, you’re keeping that door open for them but not putting pressure or expectations.
2. You’re taking on the work of healing. You’re not just sitting by and waiting for them to show up to give you the answers to be able to heal – that wouldn’t work anyway. Healing is active work, and one of you must do it. Taking that on is a gift to your system and will earn you respect, trust, and gratitude. It will also make them more trusting that you might be more capable of learning about why they exist/knowing about them – some of them might not be revealing themselves to you because they don’t think you’re ready/strong enough. If you do the work to heal/manage your triggers/work on yourself, they might start to trust you more, and that might change.
3. You will be getting better. This is just a win all around. You will be healing and getting stronger. There is no downside to this.

It might take time. It might take a long time. But as you focus on yourself – actively and with intention, and keeping that awareness of your system – you may likely see a lot of grounding in your system’s activity and changes for the positive. 

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