The Deleted Post

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

Yes, I’m the one who put up a fuss about the journalling post and had it pulled. We journal or write emails to each other a lot, and yes, it would be cool for you all to see that in action. Sometimes we’re co-conscious in real time, sometimes there is a time delay of hours, days, or even weeks or months. But we journal constantly. On paper. Online. We have our own Discord server, we have our own email addresses…. it’s how we’re learned to coordinate with each other. And now apparently we blog. Even when we are co-conscious, the written word is the easiest way for us to communicate with each other. (Let’s just say being chatty wasn’t encouraged growing up. Heck, we have a child alter who literally can’t speak. Last I knew she was hibernating with the bear.)

Why pull the post? We were tired. We were pissy. We were not being just exceptionally nice to each other. It was the first time this year that Sharon and I were co-conscious, and sparks tend to fly between us easily. We used to be bitter enemies. Or at least a now-fused part of me was. At her core, Sharon is what’s called a protector alter. The now diluted part of me was a persecutor, which is a fucked up way of internalizing abuse – and is a post for another time. Now, persecutor me came around to the Light Side of the Force, and I’m also a protector of sorts… but, Sharon & I often tend to have different ideas about what exactly that means.

As such, sometimes we reveal things that the other one would consider off limits, or we prioritize different things. I’m all about the basics of working, paying bills, and putting food on the table. That’s my job in the system. That is not always fun. Before I left Microsoft for the first time, I would get up in the morning, throw up in the shower due to anxiety and stress about work, then get dressed and drive in. I did that for months. The others may think I enjoy being a workaholic, and sometimes I do, but I still have some pretty Deep Issues(tm) around working. So, yeah, I have a special relationship to “Arbeit Macht Frei”, a phrase I learned from my father while working as a child in his print shop. In fact, my name, which no one can spell or pronounce, is Irish for “freedom”. It was chosen with not just a little bit of irony in mind.

So, yes, one of the darker places I hang out in the inner world is an abandoned concentration camp, as Sharon mentioned in the forum. It is not my Happy Spot. Its where I remember and honor all those who found relief from labor only through death, a fate I often understand. I’ve literally been the worker bee in the system since the day I was “born”. For the first part of my life, it is literally all I remember, and they aren’t happy memories. I didn’t get the be the alter that got to play or go to school as a child. I had just one function. Sometimes I feel like I still do.

I wasn’t ready for that to come out in a forum post. There was no context. I’m not saying I compare my life to the Holocaust – the Shoah was a level of fucked beyond my true comprehension, and my experiences pale in comparison. But it is part of my inner symbolic reality. And I got upset with Sharon over so casually revealing that.

And yeah, I’ll pretty fuzzy right now, going to post while I can.

#inner-world #system-talk #did

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