I’ve met Jes now, and while I can see Saoirse-ness there, it isn’t the same. I broke down into hard sobs tonight because I miss Saoirse. Yeah, it surprised me too. So here is a final letter to Saoirse, to say goodbye.
“Hey, asshat. How go the goat sacrifices? I put on some of your music just now – Therion, your favorite band. I used to use it to help call you forward when I accidentally popped out during work hours. It used to work. Tonight, it doesn’t… because you’re not there. Not as you, anyway.
I miss you.
For 17 years we’ve been yin and yang, mother and… non-binary parental figure with a penchant for working insane hours. You’ve taken my shit, given me plenty in return, and mostly been a good sport about it.
I remember when we weren’t friends. I remember your parts before you fused into Saoirse and how I fought with them. I remember when you first fused into Saoirse and still were somewhat inwardly abusive towards the kiddos. I remember when you weren’t on the council, but on my list of problems. My, how far you came. Once an inward abuser, to the primary provider, protector, and fronter for the system. Of all of us, you grew the most.
I know that as much as hard work was your passion, it also tore you apart sometimes. I know there were sometimes months on end when you’d throw up in the bathroom before work every morning because of the stress you were under. And yet you just took it in stride, because you felt you had to provide for the rest of us. You’d work long hours at jobs you sometimes hated, come home, and then let go and let the rest of us live our lives. That selfless dedication was beautiful. I’m sorry I never told you that.
I miss our banter. I miss giving each other a hard time. I’m honored that I got to see the happy trickster under the serious workaholic, a side that I don’t know anyone else got to see as much as me. Not everyone gets to have a part that Rick Rolls them.
I won’t miss some of your music choices, but you’ll be glad to know Jes still likes things that sound like broken machinery tearing itself apart. And I know you’re still in there, even if it isn’t the same.
It was an honor serving with you on the council. It was an honor sharing a life with you. I love you, and I’m finding it hard to go on without you. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, even if you were a royal pain in the ass.