Us and Relationships

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Relationships are a complicated matter. And maintaining relationships in our current situation makes matters even more complicated.

We have a very limited support system (because we are choosing to create distance between us and our parents and extended family, for our own well-being).

We have here and two close friends on campus and loads of acquaintances.

Though the level of information that they know about us is different depending on the closeness we have with them.

As for our two friends. We met both of them back in the August, when college started. About 12 weeks ago.

Both friends know that we are a system though how they found out was different.

First friend found out because they are partners with the first system that we met on campus (when that system found out about us, the friend did as well). And meeting them as a system, surely made things easier on us. Less need to mask and a little less fear of being rejected for not being someone else. (Ooo, and they also have prior familiarity with DID/OSDD due to their own research, which has been really helpful.)

And for our other close friend… she met us masking as a singlet. She has known for a while that we are a system, though we mainly have been growing by her own comfortability in disclosing details about our system. (We don’t know if she has prior experience or exposure with DID/OSDD).

And, for us, what makes a close friend is someone who still wants to be friends with us after finding out that we are a system. Doesn’t dismiss that we are plural and that we have trauma. And respects our boundaries. And hopefully communicates their concerns with us.

With having a limited support system. Maybe more so in the sense of close proximity with us.

We often worry that we are burdening our friends with our problems.

Though they have not expressed that.

But it does make our insecure attachment styles act up.

Who knew that being in relatively stable relationships with people would make us more aware of the traumas that we have experienced. And how much trauma and abuse totals up /sar.

We need a proper therapist one who is familiar with Dissociative Disorders and whom we can do trauma processing with.

We don’t want our friends to be our therapist, often fear that we are. (Especially when our day-to-day existence includes managing triggers, surfacing past traumas, difficult home life and difficult family members who are still toxic to us.)

I just wish that we knew that what we are doing now is actually good for us. That we are doing right by ourselves and not digging a grave for us to fall into in the future.

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t-e-c
Admin
6 months ago

Only time will tell if you are doing a good thing or not, but if some members of your family turn out to be non-toxic (and I hope some do!), I don’t think they’ll be upset with you for trying to work through a confusing time the best way you knew how. And the start of adulthood is confusing for just about everyone. 😉

As for finding a therapist with expertise in dissociation and trauma processing… Trauma processing can be traumatic, and you may not want to take that on until you have a relatively stable living situation and support system. It would be good to have a trauma-informed therapist, but don’t worry about wrestling dragons at first – just work on stabilizing your life, learning to manage triggers better, etc. You want to be as stable and safe as possible before unboxing major trauma, in our experience.

The_Star_Fissure_System
6 months ago

About half a year ago, we had to cut off our parents (and by consequence most of our extended family) for our own safety.

It’s hard in a lot of ways, but if you feel safer and more easily able to heal, you are doing something right. Even if you just need some temporary distance to gain enough confidence for boundaries, you are protecting yourself. That’s not a bad thing.

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