A Rant about things that have not happened, yet

Our friends our coming back to campus, which is both welcoming and stress-inducing.

Welcoming because we have not seen them for about an entire month. Although we kept in contact some, it is unlike having them physically on campus with us. Other people in our outside existence. 

It is also stress-inducing because we are not the same person(s) that they knew before. Breaks tend to make us more closed-off. And with both flashbacks and present traumas. It feels like we are more scarred than we were before winter break (and we did not even go home, we stayed on campus). 

I feel the need to be either very comedic about our circumstances. If the Resident Assistant as “What did you do over break?” in a floor meeting, trying to not make my go-to response be “Didn’t get physically abused /sar.” 

Sure our friends know some of the things that we have endured this break. Though it is hard to explain the psychological turmoil that comes with it. 

Our parents sent us an email about the 2024-2025 FAFSA, which is promising? In that they might continue to pay for our tuition. Why else would they email it to us? 

There are questions asking if we are homeless/self-supporting or at risk of homelessness (our answer depends if we can stay on campus, or find somewhere else to live because we don’t want to move back in with our parents), or unusual circumstances that might prevent a student from contacting their parents or would contacting pose a risk to the student, I think that we fit the “left home due to an abusive home environment” statement (we are low-contact with our parents, but it is eating us out, also with our grandmother she is bad but she helps pay for tuition.)

Think that these questions are the questions for claiming Independence for FAFSA. 

If so, then that would mean complete independence from our parents, which… is not optimal at the moment. Given that we don’t currently have our own insurance nor have enough money to pay for car insurance, or a car if we have to get our own. 

Though this is for the 2024-2025 school year. There is a lot that can happen until then. 

It is recommended to finish it early before the June 30th 2025 deadline. Earlier the better.

But our parents are the ones who finished the parent portion. If we select yes for unusual circumstances could they see this on their side of things? 

We did schedule a meeting with the Financial Aid office to schedule a meeting, still waiting for a response. 

We got another text from our paternal grandmother being upset with us not maintaining her agreed upon every-couple-of-months phone call check-in. And we know this. We had our reasons for not calling her. She made it about her.

I don’t want to call her because she beredes us about our choices. Even asked us “Why do you need boundaries?”  

She was not a big part of our life until our paternal grandfather died (closer with him), and she “stepped up” then we realize that she is contributing to our tuition, doesn’t like texts prefers phone calls, fine. One phone call in. Realize that she is not a wholesome grandma, to say the least. Endured a second phone call with her. And I don’t think that we want to endure a third phone call with her. Even if that means us facing consequences. 

We are dealing with this. Trying to. 

Feel a bit desperate. 

Why does our family continue to break our heart and cause us more pain, while also reminding us that they love and care us because they are family? (for clarification if necessary. Family don’t know that we are plural. Whole different situation there, blame father, for why we don’t want to tell them besides them causing our trauma).

Now people are returning to campus, and we are supposed to mask as a singlet and keep up grades and try not to use our friends? As we still are waiting for the therapy place to get back to us. 

Good thing about not having other people on a residential floor, no body to notice you, you get to unmask without fear of an audience (expected or unexpected).

In addition, the emotional masking. Which I think that we do more unconsciously than consciously. Just wondering if tomorrow we are going to act completely different because more people will be on the floor. 

We at least have time before classes start. People are allowed to return to campus on the 6th and classes start on the 10th. 

Gradually getting us prepared for interacting with people in different avenues of life.

Yay! /sar. 

We had an entire month to ourselves.

Definitely glad to still be going to college, don’t get me wrong. 

Just don’t want to fucking mask.

Oh, and our roommate returns on Sunday or Monday, they said that they will let us know when the return. But I don’t want a roommate. 

Also they might not know that we are plural. So masking in our living quarters. Yay! /sar.

At this point we are at the “I don’t want to give a fuck” state with some of our floormates and with ourselves. Pulled into too many directions and it doesn’t seem to stop. 

But we will endure. We will get through this. We want a better future for ourselves. (I want to be in a better future now. I am tired. I want to be lazy without upsetting entitled family members because we are not doing what is asked of us).

I am reminded that the friends we have on campus, we won’t keep them around if they were not good for us. 

But it feels performative. It feels repetitive. Us enduring hardship again and again (not saying that our friends are not enduring their own hardships, we just don’t experience things through their point-of-view) and asking for help, but they can’t fix our circumstance, only help us deal with it. 

All we can do is have quick escapes. A movie, tv show, a book. Something to set our mind at ease, before we realize that we put of something important for too long. 

It is getting colder out reminding us that we should start the Emergency Fund form from the Dean of Students Office regards to the items stolen from our car, because what was stolen was our winter gear and it is only going to get colder here (as we were told by our case worker). But thinking about going online and searching up the items that were stolen, and finding their prices to add to the form. Seems like a piece of work, especially when we should be relaxing, because winter break. 

I know that we can break it up into pieces. Though the idea of doing this is too intensive at the moment. 

And we still need to purchase textbooks, and see if we can find cheaper options. 

I know that it is better to be on top of things. And we have been. Sometimes seems like “for what?” though it is progress. Things that we need to accomplish, not just busy-work. 

And maybe it might be nice to have classes start up again. To have friends return to campus. And with different classes so we can meet new students. 

Maybe we won’t have to lie about our experience just because we don’t have a diagnosis (both for DID and C/P-STD).

I don’t know.

I do know that we will have to get used to the idea of being around people more frequently in our daily life, which surely will be an adjustment. So far, not a welcomed adjustment. 

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