I don’t like change

Sometimes – actually a lot of the time – our system feels like this.

Somebody is talking and fronting through you, and you don’t know who it is. A mystery organist. Or you’re trying to front and can’t push your way through all the furbys.

Weird analogy, but this video is an inside joke with our system about some of our gatekeepers. It’s also how I feel right now, as I don’t know who I am. So I’m sticking to it. 

Our system is currently trying to re-instate Lothair’s subsystem as our go-to host. Because he’s an entire subsystem and because of the way our system functions, this essentially means that his subsystem’s gatekeeper will become our main gatekeeper. 

There are a few reasons for this change. Mainly that James’ subsystem has been our host for the last several years and they need a break. Also, they currently function on the haunting echoes of extreme parentification. That is all unsustainable now that we are safe. [And it is evidence that this is not the job that James was made for. Poor kid needs a break. – Marionette]

But Lothair is also very laid-back and will prioritize individual alter expression. Which seems ideal in an era where we are trying to figure out who we are. It should help cut down on the constant rapid switching, also. At least, that is the hope.

But re-instating everybody’s favorite gatekeeper has some scary aspects to it as well. Lothair is able to communicate with parts of the system that nobody else can – probably because they trust him. Those alters are going to be able to front, and we don’t know what their life goals are or what they’re like. 

We’re always weirdly paranoid that somebody in our system is going to front, be mean and rude and horrible to some unsuspecting and unprepared innocent, and that we will have no memory of it. 

That is probably just our guardian talking. But knowing that doesn’t make me feel less scared.

The other sort of scary thing about Lothair being in charge is that he’s not going to monitor us as much. One of his defining traits is that he can go from anxiety to full-on flashback in three seconds flat. Our guardian would absolutely flip her lid at “extreme emotional displays”, and Lothair’s subsystem includes the alters who dealt with our guardian the most. So they developed a huge portion of their personalities around the concept “avoid anxiety at all costs.” 

This means pausing in the middle of anything to examine and process emotions. It means hours and hours of contemplative staring out of windows. And it means that if he knows that somebody in our system can handle a situation better than he can, he will drop front.

Which is great for our overall anxiety and self-expression. But it also means more amnesia. And that scares me. 

My understanding is that Lothair was the host for most of our childhood. So we must have functioned with higher amnesia before. But it’s different when you have to function and take care of yourself as an adult. We may have been severely emotionally neglected as kids, but we were not physically neglected. Not unless it was a punishment, at least.

Lothair tells me that every alter in our system has the main priority of keeping our system safe. According to him, this means that we will be fine no matter who fronts. Dangerous situations like highly amnesiac alters and littles fronting outside of our home will be noticed and taken care of. Apparently, there is nothing to worry about.

I don’t know. I don’t feel safe unless I’m in control. Our system has been trying to be kinder to ourselves and focus on our energy levels when we determine what chores we can handle. But I like my lists. I like doing things in order, because I can make sure they are done. I would rather force myself to follow my schedule and be exhausted than to sit back and trust that my headmates are capable of handling our life.

This is not a healthy mindset, apparently. But I just want to feel like I accomplished something. I want to feel like I’m not broken and to know that my abusers can’t keep me in a state of disrepair.

Our house is an absolute train wreak. I hate that I can’t make it look perfect. 

As we’ve been bringing up good memories, our system has been able to slowly take on everyday tasks. We were starting to feel confident about cooking vs ordering in, for example. And then our pipes froze. Still waiting on that to be fixed. And that little bit of extra anxiety and disarray makes it difficult to get anything done.

Lothair says that I can figure out who I am, focus on tasks that I actually enjoy. He says that trying to be perfect makes me miserable, and he’s right – I don’t think I even LIKE cleaning or organizing or lists. But I still want to throw something at his head. 

I know my system would kill me, and I know that it would drain us horribly. But I just want to take an entire week off and use all of that time to clean the house. At least before this change happens, in case it ends in disaster.

-Diana (I figured out who I was somewhere around the midway point. I think multiple alters contributed to this, though)

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