Feels like I can do nothing right

A couple of minuets before we were planned to leave for our therapy assessment we sustained a head injury on the left backside of of our head with a metal shelf.

We took Tylenol. 

Told ourselves see if we can walk the distance back to our residence hall from the dining hall–a good six minute walk–we could see about making the drive to the therapy place. The therapy place is 49 minutes away from our college.

Majority of us were urging who was out at the time to email the therapist and ask to reschedule. We sustained a bad head injury and were planning to drive for 49 minutes. This could be disastrous.

Good thing we found a frozen water bottle in a car, that we used as a make-shift ice-pack. 

Despite our warnings to not drive. 

We were also concerned about having to pay for the missed session, because it was after the 24-hour notice for the sessions. And were already planning on using the credit card paid by our parents to pay for the co-pay (and the cost of the assessment). 

What happened is we still ended up driving to the therapy place.

Drove the 49 minutes to get there.

(First session did not have the therapist’s phone number to request telehealth, I believe. Also we did not pursue this option).

Thankfully we had coffee to keep us alert /sar. 

I think that we are at the end of our rope.

It was foolish to drive to therapy after hitting our head against a metal pole, even if we did make it to therapy in once piece. Just twenty minutes late (drove past the place, because we did not know what the building looked like). 

We are back now in our residence hall. 

Drove another 49 minutes to get back here.

Haven’t even told our friends about this, because we fear like we are monopolizing their time. Might just out of spite, and to hold some of us accountable.

We don’t know how to practice self-kindness we do foolish things like this. You get punished. Other headmates threaten you. 

We put ourselves in danger and knew it. 

And we also convinced ourselves that it is ever more the reason to be going to this therapy place, the sooner we sort ourselves out. 

(Also we are afraid of pulling over the highway, and we have to drive through rural area to get to therapy places, so not many places to stop).

We did email the therapist saying that we are going to be late and that we did bump our head. 

If it was not mentioned we bumped our head the usual way we do: bending down then standing back up and not knowing that their is an object above our head. Neat, huh? /sar.

I think that we are being redundant, most definitely hypocritical, saying that we want to do better for ourselves and at the same time putting us in situations like we did. 

It is hard to be nice, when you also believe that we probably would not have done different.

System stress is a huge fucking amount of stress in our life. The headspace is hardly ever quiet. Though we would probably find reason to dislike quietness, as well. 

We just keep too much to ourselves. 

Especially since winter break.

Trying to keep it to ourselves to have our problems be under lock and key.

And it is eating us up inside. Our situation with our parents, with each other has headmates, with school deadlines. 

It all seems to much.

It feels like we are wearing thin. 

We will probably rebound after this, and come back stronger. But it is taking a toll.

The good things is that next therapy session we will be discussing a treatment plan. 

We don’t know how to trust each other in our system. So used to being lone wolves. And tired of being told what to do. 

I do not think that this is a healthy way to function. But it is what we have at the moment.

We are too much in our own head that we rather keep quiet about our struggles then tell other people, because I do not think that we can take any more chaos.

We still have a lot of things left to do: Emergency Fund form, Career Planning stuff, scheduling meetings with case worker and Financial Aid person, and School stuff (homework and reading assignments).

I think that we can get through this. 

It’s just hard to manage. 

Especially when you feel like you are all alone in this, and isolate yourself because of fear or to gain some control in our situation. 

At least the therapist believed us about our “suspicion of having DID.” And we were able to fill out the client history form that helped with todays assessment. 

I do not know if things will get easier with us. 

But hopefully we have a better way of dealing with it. 

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Responses

  1. Starting therapy is hard. And even though the concerns about driving safety were valid, it sounds like you are doing your best to take care of yourself. It takes a long time to become healthier as a system and it takes a long time to communicate as a system. I am confident that you will get there; it wouldn’t bother you if it wasn’t important to you.