I don’t like the way that our body looks.
It’s different from how it looked in the past, though it doesn’t feel like a body that most of us want to cause. Not a body that we want to call home.
Growing up we used to hear a lot “You look exactly like our mother!”, which is not as much of a compliment as more so as a fact. This body did look like a younger version of our mother.
Now at this point in our life, we somewhat closely resemble our brother.
Mother when we had longer hair. Brother when we have shorter hair.
And these are two people who have caused us significant abuse and trauma in two different ways.
And one of the reasons why we fear aging. Who would want to age into their abusive mother? Aesthetically speaking.
Then comes the gender identity/expression factor.
Personally consider the body to be nonbinary. Though it is AFAB.
Trauma has mostly taken away lots of claim to our own body, we have done some work. Though looking unassuming to be considered insignificant as to not attract negative attention and more thus more trauma onto ourselves. Is top priority. Even if we don’t think about it that often.
Then when we look for people for style, hair, clothing aspirations we want to look like those people. Those glow-ups of people finding home in their body.
This body is still a place of pain. And we have not even done the trauma therapy processing stuff or the “healing-body-trauma” stuff that I do not quite know the name of. Somatics? I do not know.
Good thing is this body looks fairly androgynous. Something in which we put hardly any effort into (no make-up, actual skin care besides shower and lotion, or hair care), which has been a good thing. “If we are getting abused, might as well have a body that still looks good” /sar.
That does not mention the varying levels of dysphoria and dysmorphia that we have with our body. That will probably not be touched on in detail. At least for now.
I have been thinking about going on HRT for awhile. Stopped after we started college and returned sometime around winter break.
We have not looked into anything about it recently. Mainly because we don’t have our own insurance (though even we talked about it with our parents in the past, they said that we could their insurance. Just with our stress over tuition payments…. best we find other options financially. Even if that means getting our own insurance), and do not have enough money that won’t require other financial sacrifices (as we have been largely using our own money from our minimum-wage jobs to pay for things like detergent or food, because we don’t want to go back to our parent’s house to get them from them). And we don’t have therapy.
I am fine with how our body is. Though I want it to be more of a home to me. I do not know how I personally identify. Nor do I think that I want to be binary. Not necessarily a woman or man.
Maybe gender is not as much of a place as pain as the abusers who caused that pain to us. The numerous abusers of different genders. Making us fear certain genders. While others still caused us harm.
But “gender” didn’t abuse us. People did.
Though looking like a certain gender might be triggering. I think that it is important to remember that we are not those people who abused us, and we can do our best to not become them. No matter how we might want to adorn the body.Published in