Things have been going fairly good for us lately.
Therapy is good. On Friday we had our first group therapy session which went well, nice group.
We told the Disability and Accommodations person about our DID.
Our case worker helped us to clarify if our scholarship has a GPA requirements, which it doesn’t, not after equipment.
We contacted our RA who said that we can apply for a room change and can cancel that request. Which is good. Don’t want to be caught in a worse situation.
We dropped our ECON class and have been sleeping in during the time in which was scheduled for that class.
Little less stress overall.
One thing is still causing us to be stressed and it’s something that we can’t really do anything about, unless, we want to be an abusive asshole. Which we don’t.
It has been nearly a week since our close friend told us that they were leaving our residence hall, and about that much time since we last saw them. We asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened that made her want to leave the floor, she said that she doesn’t want to talk about it now and would rather be left alone. We told her that we will miss her and will respect her decision.
(We took this as go no-contact with her until she initiates contact with us).
I hate it.
I hate not knowing what happened.
We want our friend back.
And we are going to do nothing but wait for her to initiate things with us, because we don’t want to text her the same shit that our family texted us when we went no-contact with her.
I don’t know if the friendship is over.
I don’t know if she is even ready to talk about it.
I don’t know.
I don’t like not knowing things.
It brings up feelings of insecurity and abandonment. Not worthwhile enough to be told this information. Being protected from it. Shit our parents would have done.
Valentine’s Day is approaching. Hope she doesn’t love-bomb us.
I am pissed off without much avenue to be pissed off at.
My own ‘symphony of destruction.’ 😉
We told our therapist about this. Which is good. Especially because sometimes we worry that we are not doing the right things in therapy: “is this coping mechanisms and trauma processing or is this day-to-day therapy talking about how we are handling our shit.”
It’s still early with our therapist. We are primarily working on coping skills, because we don’t have much /sar.
We haven’t really gotten into attachment yet. Wonder if we will.
Though the situation with our friend, does, bring into question about kind of attachment we had with her. And why he (temporary?) departure is causing us to react this way.
We were more vulnerable with her that we might have been with anyone else, aside from our other close friend. We even let her hug us and hugged her in return. We don’t let people be physical with us in any form. I don’t think we have been hugged in over a week (beyond self-hugs).
I miss her.
I can imagine life without her, but I don’t want to.
She genuinely cared about us and we with her.
We see her former roommates more than we see her, and it doesn’t seem fair.
She will contact us when she is ready. We told her to contact us when she wants to.
The wait is unbearable, because life goes on, and we are wondering if we are going to lose one of our two close friends.
*Silent screaming noises, these are the sounds of silent screaming.*
We just want her back.
(I don’t want to dig into more of this now, hit bit of a calm and want to keep it that way.)Published in