There is not a whole lot of certainty, right now.
Our roommate the one who wouldn’t take out the fucking trash is now in the process of moving their things out of our room.
Don’t know why they are leaving, don’t know if it is our business.
At least they told us that they were leaving, compared to our first roommate who didn’t even tell us that they were leaving.
We don’t know if our roommate is going to stay on this floor or go somewhere else. I guess that we don’t want to be stuck on a floor with two former roommates on it.
There does not seem to be a lot of stability right now.
Which frightens us.
Not knowing if we might be fine if we stay on this floor and see how things work out, or if we should leave this floor for something different.
I don’t like that this place has brought us so much stress.
Fine if we no longer have a roommate, but the floor is still shit.
It provided us with a home when we needed it. And, we still need a home. But, probably not here.
We need stability, we need less stress, we need someplace that is not here.
At this point it seems to be all internal. Things are happening to us and we are not really present for them.
We are overwhelmed and it is really shitty that we only get a couple of days to not be overwhelmed before something else causes us to be overwhelmed.
We are supposed to do homework, we are behind on our reading for our Queer Literature class, but I am too stressed to care.
I just want to nap and be unconscious and wait for tomorrow in which we have a meeting scheduled with our RA.
I just want… I don’t know what I want. I want to feel different. To not be as shaken up. I want to get homework done.
I want to do something.
But I am just feeling sorry for myself.
Writing out my thoughts hoping that it will give me some clarity, and maybe even publish it to say that I did something.
We came to college wanting a better home for us, maybe that was a lot to expect, but we wanted an escape and college has been that escape.
It’s just that RESIDENCE LIFE IS A FUCKING MESS.
There should be some kind of seminar that teaches you how to coexist with your roommate and floormates. A seminar that teaches things like: co-existence, co-habitation, interdependency, etc.
Things that should be more widely explored when you are living amongst strangers.
And this is a small liberal arts college!
Once again, my academics are not my top priority. My top priority is how to cope with a stressful living situation.
At least we don’t have to worry about scholarship getting taken away from us if we get a low GPA score. Thought that our scholarship would get removed because we got a 3.33 instead of a 3.5 GPA for our fall semester.
Maybe I am just hoping that something dramatic happens. Spare me the misery.
Because the gaps that we do get are not promising that they will stay like that. We get sick and we have to recover as quickly as possible or else we might face dire consequences.
And I want to turn to our friends, but it feels like we are wasting time because we still somewhat behind on homework. I am too stressed for homework.
Our friend, who is leaving our floor, still has not told us that they are ready to tell us what happened and still want to be left alone at the moment. We can respect that. We are respecting that.
Though it also feels like a rejection.
I honestly do not know if we have been in a situation in which other people needed time away from us.
After yesterday’s (?) mandatory floor meeting, one would think that things start to change but no. I guess we are upset that we are still stuck with our problems and still have little trust for the people with which we share a floor. And are still afraid if someone of them find out that we are system, because we really do not want a select people to know.
I think that this second semester has just exposed issues that have been present since the fall semester, because it seems to be happening all to quickly. It is only the 5th week of the spring semester, and I want this semester to just be over.
I want it to be summertime, us working at a place nearby our college and earning money to pay for summer housing.
I want to be less stressed out, because I don’t want to pay for the expensive medical bills in the future that we might get by growing up in trauma and the toll that it takes on our body. I do not want that.
We also learned some other floor instance that has happened on our floor, mainly a rumor, that I do not want to go into, but hearing it did not please us. Another problem that we might have to deal with if we stay on this floor.
We mentioned the meeting with the RA, which I hope it helps us to make sense of our living situation and come up with possible alternatives. To explore what our options are.
I hope that not another place on campus is not as bad as this.
We come from trauma, from an incredibly stressful living situation, and it seems that we just came upon another living situation that is causing us stress.
I thought that we were done with bad living places.
Sure it could be worse. But it surely is not good for our mental health.
I want to deal with “normal college things”, unless this is a normal college thing, I don’t know. I don’t want different issues, but I want something different.
Unless things are just going to be challenge after challenge until here-on-out.
Writing has helped some.
There are loud people outside of my door, and I do not really focus well in my room, because I would rather watch YouTube videos than read a book that I am behind on.
I want to go to bed. But it still might be too early to fall asleep.
Still need to brush our teeth.
And the people outside of our dorm room might wake us up if we try to fall asleep, with how loud they are.
I want better. I need better. We need better.