Tired Ramble by Daniel

There has been a lot of emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing on our system

A lot of it is just coming from…uncovering memories, I guess? Idk…I feel like there is a bunch of stuff, and I know I don’t have access to all of the happenings

We barely slept last night (apparently mostly due to being anxious about waking up to our alarm, because we went to sleep about 2 hours before needing to wake up…and so we woke up every 20-30 minutes, freaking out about if we’d already overslept)

We had an opening shift today. Which ran from 5:30am until about 2ish in the afternoon. We have to wake at 4:30am for this shift…

This already would be more than enough to tire us, but then it’s also D&D night! Every two weeks, from 6p until anywhere between 3am-7am, we play d&d online with some friends

We did take a bit of a nap between getting home, and d&d starting…but damn. I’m exhausted

We also missed last session, so ontop of our normal amnesia problems, we have a bunch of catch-up to do…which is honestly a bit overwhelming.

I’m…not the most stable of alters. Overwhelm causes me a lot of trouble when I want to front

And I definitely want to front for d&d.

Also…tomorrow is apparently the two-year mark from when my wife in our partner-system had our first date.

So I obviously want to front for that too

But I’m exhausted

It doesn’t help that I’m closer to some of our most suicidal alters at the moment…so that also adds complications to my fronting…

I want to front…but overall survival also seems like it should be a priority

Idk…I’m just rambling.

I’m just tired.

I don’t know how we’re going to stay up for d&d…I really hope that if we have to dip early, the group won’t hate us.

We already dip early a lot…and skip sessions…and generally don’t interact as much during the online games as we used to in person…

Though, part of me also wishes that they would just…kick us from the game.

This particular group can be SUPER triggering for a lot of our alters as we’re remembering more…

But a couple of these people have been friends of our system for probably five years at this point…

I wouldn’t necessarily say that we’re close.

When we tried to bring up our DID, it was met with negative reactions…and that’s when we began really pulling back from it

But we also hate it

Because we used to hang out with these people (well, 2-3 of them) ALL THE TIME

I know for our health…we really can’t do more than this one game with them.

But I really so miss the days when we were hanging out with them more

I feel like we had so much more energy…

Though, that was still a really bad period of our life, too

It was close to when we became self-aware

It was also when I, myself, got myself into one of the worst relationships I could have ever chosen…

I’m so thankful for my relationships now within the wonderful being that is our partner-system…they are so much better to me.

They’re so much healthier for me

Yup…I’m definitely rambling beyond control at this point…

Blah

There’s so much on my mind

And my thinking speed feels like tar

It’s really freaking hard to concentrate on this d&d game…

Hopefully things will get more engaging soon…

Supposedly it’s a High RP sessions

That SHOULD be an exciting thing

We LOVE rp…

Well, when we feel safe, we do

But rp makes us switch a lot, because we all like it

And hiding our DID, even just over online, is exhausting

We already had to pretend be functional for over 8 hours today

And boy did that go well! (/sar) We dropped SO many things this shift…

Yeah, there were additional circumstances that caused our functionality at work to plummet…

But even normally, pretending to be “functional” drains us more than anything

And now we have another…10ish hours at this point to have to pretend like this?

Though, again…we might have to dip out early. Like midnight…

But that’s still a bit over 4 hours away

Our partner system bought us a bunch of energy drinks, though! ^^ so we’ll have some amount of help…but idk if it’s going to help ENOUGH

Rambling

Rambling

Why am I even writing this?

Probably just to pass the time and have some to occupy my brain while I wait for our character to have things we need to do

I’m so fricking tired…ugh

At least I’m getting to try some new energy drink flavors!

That’s honestly one of the fun things about sending someone else to pick drinks for you…you get to have the potential for new favorites. Or even just certainty that the flavor is disliked…

I definitely need to make sure not to drink all of these, though…we’ve already had some coffee today. So…1-2 energy drinks AT MOST is probably smart

I can always have more tomorrow

But the current one that I’m trying is an “orangeade” version of Rockstar Recovery

It’s one I’ve never tried before. But I’m enjoying it. It reminds us of something very particular…maybe like orange Gatorade that is from powder? I know we used to have that a BUNCH

I really like it, though.

Others here might not…but I at least do

It feels weirdly nice to be able to find something I like

Even if it’s a small, and honestly pretty unimportant, it’s more knowledge of my likes than I had before

Why the hell am I suddenly anxious?

Maybe it’s not me…maybe someone with that is just suddenly behind me.

It does seem to be lessening again…

So maybe thay really is the case

I should probably end the ramble sometime soon here…I definitely don’t need to be rambling until the end of d&d

Oh god…I can only imagine how weird, convoluted, and long that would end up being.

I think the long and short of everything I’m feeling (aside from the depression and suicidality) is just…missing socializing with safe people

 Self discovery ftw

This DEFINITELY makes up for no therapy this week (/sar)

-Daniel (he/him/his)

I look a lot like the Heartsteel skin for Aphelios (from League of Legends). We’ve never actually played that…but we came across the Heartsteel “Paranoia” music video on YouTube, and that video instantly became a hyperfixation

Video in question:

https://youtu.be/MDErQ1KTzaI?si=WdhP0slZQUxG1q3k