Figuring myself out

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

Now that the archangels in our system have begun to calm down, and Eden is once again accessible, I finally feel like I figure out myself and maybe even piece myself together a bit more cohesively than before…


[Michael in the Bathroom]

(Note for my system, bc they can be prone to conspiracy and weird leaps of logic…I am NOT with Archangel Michael. How could I both be with him AND Lucifer??? That wouldn’t work for us)

[Waving Through a Window]


God, I hate holding so much of our system’s anxiety.

I know I’m not the only anxiety-holding alter, though, and that honestly terrifies me.

We’ve had a lot of trauma to get us to the point where we are literally anxious about Each and Every Single Thing that we do…or that we don’t do.

Just MY load of the anxiety is crippling…I can’t imagine what would happen if the loads belonging to the others.

Actually…I think I can imagine it.

[Waiting For the World to End – Hello Charlotte Video]

[I’ll Be God Today – Hello Charlotte Video]

Though we have never actually gotten to the point of killing ourselves (though we have come rather close on numerous occasions), there was enough splitting, amnesia, and Abusive Assholes to maintain Their facade that our system was dead.

Honestly, it terrifies me to think that They may have even had at least one of our drafted suicide notes and gave it to the people who (thankfully) are now our partner-system.

[Passages – Hello Charlotte Fan Lyrics Video]

[is my lover dead?]

[Hello Charlotte – Vincent & Charles]

[Visions of Gideon – Hello Charlotte Video]

I wonder if that’s why my area of the system really HASN’T been suicidal while everyone else in here has been dealing with such tendencies…

Though, I suspect that some of that is just…alters finally stopping the suppression of their emotions.

The suicidality was always one of the things I feel I personally was more open and honest about, even if only through the poems and stories I wrote.

So I guess what I’m learning is…now that things are more stable in our life (even though it really doesn’t feel that way sometimes lately), our anxiety parts are going to be more active.

Not through anything negative, which is why I think it catches us off-guard.

No…we were too traumatized to even let anxieties show.

But now that we are starting to feel stable, we’re letting the anxiety of LOSING that stability show more.

Or at least…I personally am starting to.


I’m so, so thankful that I have found my calming-person again. (Thanks anxiety, for making me feel like I’m somehow being manipulative for saying such…sheesh, I have a long way to go still)

I’m so thankful that I get to hold your hand again.

[Heaven – Hello Charlotte Video]

I’m probably still going to be an anxious mess while my newly-forming subsystem figures itself out

But I know you’ll be there with me, and that makes everything less terrifying.

[Love Like You – Tamaki x Mirio]

You are my sun. And I hope very much that I can be your moon for the rest of our days.

I love you

-Vincent (subsystem)

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4 months ago

None of the things that happened are your fault. Literally NONE.

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