I am so thankful to so many people right now.
I wish that I could express it all, but it’s difficult to see in pieces that I can transform into words. It’s a very big feeling riddled with amnesia holes.
I am trying to see what feels like the best thing to do. Now that I have this freedom that I’ve never felt before – the power to make my own choices because they are what I WANT to do – it’s harder to know what direction to go in.
Because if something is chasing you, you run from it. And you might try to be clever in your path, but it all comes down to instinct in the end. Fast decisions.
And now I can turn and look at what was behind me. I can see quite clearly, in fact.
No wonder we were told to not look back.
I believe in fighting like a pacifist, though I have made a lot of mistakes. And puppet strings and vorpal blades have never gotten along. I can see, and I am not afraid.
The world is really colorful. There’s still a filter over it, but I can SEE the colors behind the filter. And I know I’m getting there.
Writing this gives me the start of an idea for what I want to do. (Blogging is insanely helpful for our system. It has always been.) I’m…really excited about my idea, actually. I’m not afraid. And I’m not forcing myself to push out words through layers of static.
Holy crap.
I am Slightly Alive.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like this before.
In our system, we have alters who are Christians, pagan, and agnostic, along with any number of oddball combinations of these things.
They get along very well when not manipulated by guilt, which is a circumstance that I believe we will never let ourselves enter or get pulled into again.
And, especially in times of severe trauma, they used to work together to pull the tiniest shreds of hope from the world around us.
“Working with colored pencils reminds me that the ocean is grey, green, and blue. It is okay for me to miss and love the person that our system sees as our mom-in-everything-but-name.”
“The wind is talking to me; I am not alone.”
“I couldn’t help my chosen family today, but I saved this dragonfly from the rain barrel.”
“I can take children seriously when they ask me about my job and their parents are embarrassed of them.”
Little things kept me alive. I pulled myself along one knot at a time.
And now I am here.
And all these little things remain with me.
I can’t remember everything yet. But I have surrounded myself with beautiful things, and one day I will be able to tune into that whenever I like.
Please take care of yourselves out there.
-Anon