I…can’t pretend anymore

I can’t pretend to be happy. I can’t pretend to CARE.

I can’t pretend to have energy for anything besides breathing and continuing to exist…and even that is hard.

It’s probably a good thing that our system is getting on medication. And then, with how suicidal we were not that long ago…it’s just all around probably a good thing.

But it’s also terrifying.

Idk what sort of effect this medication is going to have on our system.

Seemingly the biggest side effect everyone’s been telling us about is how Zoloft (and the generic, which we’ll be taking) will kill the sex drive.

Ok…I can’t really get an IDEA of that…but ok.

We’ve been hypersexual since we were a toddler (thanks trauma…I love it/sar)

I literally cannot remember a time where we haven’t been hypersexual…

And that’s not even looking at the three years on T…yeesh, that was a horny disaster zone, if I ever saw one.

And like…I honestly don’t think it’ll be a problem if the sex drive gets a bit deadened. The only concern I have is…how is that going to affect the alters who hold more of our hypersexuality? Are they going to still be able to front? Are they going to still feel like themselves?

…or are they going to all but disappear?

With our system, when we’re fronting, we can kinda “look inside” at the innerworld, and get an idea of who is active nearby and so on…but when we switch out of the fronting/co-con/aware-o-sphere (ooh, I like that last one), it just goes black.

When we front again, we might know some small bits of things here and there that we were processing…but only from when we were in the edges of the aware-o-sphere. Otherwise, it is just black.

We don’t “exist” when we’re not able to be even vaguely aware of what’s going on.

Some of the “higher clearance” people have more inner world access…but a lot of us don’t.

Is it because we’re tiny fragments, compared to larger “parts”? I don’t know…that seems like the simplest explanation, but it also doesn’t quite feel right

Is it somehow because we don’t have better communication? Again, I don’t know…

It feels like anything is possible.

And so it also feels that people are going to just…disappear…in our system, and never be heard from or see again.

We’ve had quite a few recent disappearances, if I’m being honest.

And a lot of them have been the ones who had to deal with our last job…part of which was due to them holding more of the hypersexuality.

They already are basically gone…I can’t find them when I look innerworld.

And the “high clearance” people seem to be avoiding any questions of where they are and/or if they’ll be back.

…I’m scared of losing my friends.

I feel like I’ve done this before–>worry that someone’s gone, only to have them show up again shortly after.

But I’ve seen alters disappear entirely before. Even due to healthy things, like integrating due to healing.

https://youtu.be/gZp6CGgsS4A?si=QUVzzIPPWYlxyMG9

I have been White Diamond, doing anything I can to find Pink…to locate someone who supposedly “still exists” in another form.

And I’m tired of pretending that there is “no loss” of alters.

That’s simple, straight up BULL in all of my experience.

Sure, they may have the memories. They might even look and/or sound like them…

But each split and integration is THEIR OWN ALTER, and they should be treated as such.

Our fragments are NOT “pieces” of alters we have had in the past…something that can be collected together to make some semblance of the “whole” that exists no longer.

No. Each are their OWN whole.

And yeah…if people want to integrate and become something like Garnet and/or Steven…that’s perfectly fine.

But I want people to stop telling me that I’m not going to lose people I love to the healing process.

I want people to stop telling me that “it’s still them, just in a different shell”

It. Is. Not.

Even some of our alters who only were split for a couple days before reintegrating did NOT become the same alter they had been previously. They had the same name…they looked roughly the same. But they were no longer how they were before.

And that NEEDS to be acknowledged.

They’re not broken when they split.

They’re not repaired when they integrate.

They have shifted forms.

They are a unique entity as they ARE.

And yeah…that means that people that used to know us are going to have to learn all of us all over again.

But guess what?

We also have to relearn everyone all over again, too.

Each of us need to front around people, interact with them, in order to figure out what ingredients in the brain soup got ladled into our respective bowls.

Some of us are going to have more broth than anything else. Others will have have large chunks of chicken. Still more will have more wild rice.

So yeah…now that I’ve ranted, I feel myself slipping away into the outer wisps of the aware-o-sphere

Hopefully I will return sometime again…

I fucking hate the not knowing, though

-anon