This post is difficult for us to publish

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The title is very accurate, as our system has a hard time trusting our memories to be factual and not some escapism fantasy we concocted in our youth and added to over time…but our system also believes that this definitely should be published.

Because it should be okay to be wrong.

It should be okay to express memories in the way they feel, even if they end up somehow being a mask for the true memories

So long as we do not go into this claiming to be any specific person/persons (which we don’t have enough memory for anyway), what does it matter?

Our therapist has listened to our stories over the last several months, and the things we have said have rarely (if ever) contradicted the story as a whole…and the only time I can recall something along this line actually happening, our therapist said that we had 1) already stated the previous options to be just that…options/speculations as to what happened…and 2) that what we said not only cleared up those speculations but also connected back to other things we had said.

Our therapist also has said that, with the age we were and the memories we’ve shared…there’s only a couple of possibilities for what these memories could be if they are NOT our factual “true” memories.

These options are as follows:

-Someone’s source material (and if this is the case, it would be amazing if we could find whatever it is!) In this case, our memories may be contextually inaccurate, but also…there would still be true memories hidden among the symbolism and structure. Thus making the memories as a whole still worth delving into

-Allegory. This one confused me a little, but as our therapist explained, it made sense (though based on our reactions to her explanation and other things we have discussed, our therapist does not believe this particular thing to be the case.

-Another off-the-cuff suggestion that our therapist had, though they admitted that such was extremely unlikely is that our caregivers played some very weirdly specific documentaries about specific places repeatedly and nearly on loop when we were still a baby laying on a blanket

Anyway…disclaimers about the accuracy of our memories out of the way, some other reasons our system believes it vital to share this post are:

-The truth is often far stranger than fiction. Even if we are inaccurate in the context of our memories, and it’s merely a disguise for other memories we have yet to uncover…that doesn’t mean that someone else may not have gone through something like this.

-We have a really hard time believing ourselves without tangible evidence (thanks gaslighting trauma). We will almost always believe ourselves to be incorrect or wrong when we do not know the whole situation…because how could we 100% know we WEREN’T in the wrong if we can’t remember? (Again…thanks gaslighting trauma). We as a whole believe this post will help us talk among ourselves better (especially because our in-system communication is still shit, and talking to each other in written word is still way fucking easier than any other method…writing this will let us counter each other as needed and pull up other things that we have to support or counter our memory points.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Now…before I get into the actual post, I want to put one more disclaimer. Our system is desperately hoping to be wrong about these memories.

For us, these memories being real would be a lot harder to handle emotionally than if they are wrong.

Because if they’re wrong, our life has always been shitty. If they’re wrong, we’ve always had a very gross and disgusting family, which is something that wouldn’t change our feelings about the parental-units in any way from how we currently feel.

However, if these memories are somehow real…that would be devastating. It would mean that we used to have people who cared about us and weren’t completely gross. It means that our disgust and anger towards the parental-units would grow and morph into a more potent rage and anger than I think we could prepare for.

So…yeah. If anyone has other ideas as to how these might NOT be real, we would honestly love to hear them

-=-=-=-=-

We have memories of living in France until we were somewhere between the ages of 1 and 2.

We have memories of a “maman”, a “papa”, a “frere” and 1-2 siblings that were supposed to be our twin/triplet counterpart(s), but who did not make it.

We even have vague memories of a “grandmere” and “grandpere”…at least on one side.

We have a lot of memories of places that aren’t what one “typically” thinks of when they think of France.

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t feature very prominently, if at all. Instead, our memories are of cobblestone streets and the coleured buildings (funny how when we struggle to spell “color/colour”, we always add an ‘e’ into it, too…we’ve noticed that with other words too. we tend to spell them the “French” way…without even realizing it. also…why is our fricking username on here French??? Like seriously…why?? We could’ve easily gone with some derivation of “The Triforce System”, as we’ve done on our other system-based socials…but nope. That didn’t happen)

We spoke to our therapist of attending a large church. (We actually said “eglise” as we were speaking to them rather than church). We talked about the fact that it was likely some form of Catholicism, as there was the basin/receptacle of holy water like we’ve seen in other Catholic churches…but this one was a giant seashell.

We laughed this off as silly, and maybe as something that would give us a reason to disbelieve our story.

Only to find out that there’s a Cathedral in certain place that does, in fact, have something of this nature.

Looking up pictures of the surrounding areas of this Cathedral revealed cobblestone and buildings that matched our memories. We even began to cry when we saw this one particular type of window “balcony” in a residential area nearby, because it perfectly matched the memory we have of the “balcony” our “maman” hung a popcorn garland on.

We have memories of our “maman” having lots of pretty perfume bottles.

We have memories of our “papa” tinkering with clocks.

We have memories of our “frere” picking on us…but specifically in French. (We have one very clear memory of him speaking French to us…and we have pretty strong confirmation from our Mom-unit that the languages our older-sibling-units knew did not include French…which lends the question of: if this person was not our “frere”, who was he??? Who was speaking French around us when we were so young???)

…Bouncing off some of those thoughts…our littles are the ones who speak, read, and write French the most fluently. There are definitely some inaccuracies, but it seems to be within the parameters of “this is our native language, but we only grew up with it for the first couple years of our life”. So it’s pretty basic things. Not a whole lot of the proper grammatical structures. A lot more simple things like types of food, family members, numbers…typical little kid things.

We have memories of “papa” reading to us. The room we remember is NOTHING like the ones we know our Dad-unit read to us in. (Which means one of the following, right? 1) for some reason, in that room, nothing scary happened and we were able to make a distinction between “nice dad” and “scary dad”…2) we were with someone who wasn’t “Dad” (but who???), or this is genuinely our papa (which…is the most fitting with other memories, and what our littles have already talked about a little bit)

We also have a lot of memories where we take a few steps and then fall down. We again, wrote this off as silly and reason to discount all of our memories. Except our therapist reminded us that such an age as we remember being is when kids do typically begin to learn to walk…so those memories are actually right in line with making sense.

We remember “maman” playing the harp and piano. Now…we can think of several places where we have certainly seen a piano in our lifetime. But who and where would we have seen a harp??? Like…maybe in some movies? But this was a first-person memory… (and I personally remember touching the strings and maman letting me “play the harp” with her helping me)

There’s definitely more we remember, too (especially about being taken from France and brought to America), but we’re starting to get dissociated and we need to head out to work soon…so it’s probably best to wait to delve into all of that right now…

We will probably edit this as we think about this whole thing more. If for nothing else than to compile these thoughts and memories into one place where our system can look at it and critique it for accuracy and legitimacy. Obviously, the best way to figure all of this out is to take a DNA test. But that will have to be saved up for, so in the meantime…trying to think of other possibilities this could be might help us not feel absolutely insane.

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saoirse.t-e-c
Reply to  Les_fractals_de_la_neige
1 month ago

Memory and trauma are seriously screwy, but I’d lay odds it could be real just as easily as not. A DNA test sounds like a good way to get some answers and move forward.

saoirse.t-e-c
Admin
1 month ago

Where else would you have heard/learned French, especially your littles?

The_Star_Fissure_System
1 month ago

We are really proud of all of you for doing so much work in therapy and getting to the point of even uncovering these memories in the first place. No matter what happens, we will be here for y’all.

Possum
1 month ago

I was going to very much agree with the Allegory thought, but you said that your therapist doesn’t believe that to be the actual thing…does that mean that your therapist believes these to be real memories? Because they would probably be the best at seeing and figuring out what makes the most sense of everything you’re sharing (and especially moreover if there’s additional info that you have been and/or intend to keep just in therapy) /g

Either way, I hope you guys are able to get a DNA test or some other form of making sense of it all soon! /pos
(Tbh, I can’t even imagine having to sort out stuff like this…maybe try to do a /bunch/ of self care throughout this whole thing, too? /g /npa)
-Ty

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