Uncertainty – TW: dissociating, anxiety, eating disorder

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

To start with… I’m not really sure who’s speaking. Stress and anxiety levels are through the roof. We’ve spent most of the day involved in the fiance’s and his dad’s dealings with honey bees. Not really sure when it was that we ate last, but all we’ve had all day is a hot dog and a little snack cake.

Jess *really* doesn’t like bugs. And we’ve been outdoors all day, around many kinds of bugs. I think that, paired with not eating much, slammed her back into childhood memories of being starved and kicked outside all day to entertain ourselves. She’s got a pretty bad fear of being starved, couples with terror of insects getting caught up her hair, so huge no thanks stressors today, on top of the anxiety already there of trying to keep the fiance’s dad appeased.

We’ve been trying to snap out of the dissociation for a bit now, like maybe three/four hours. Grounding isn’t working. Cold water isn’t working. The 5-4-3-2-1 method isn’t working. I feel like crying. Breathing just makes us more dizzy.

I’m not sure when/how but we’ve munched through like a quarter of a bag of chips to try and appease the dizziness and hunger gnawing feelings. We know Jess hates when she over eats after not eating for awhile, but it can’t be helped. The fiance is outside still, I guess entertaining his dad. Honestly, I’m a bit aggravated that he’s so dense he can’t ever seem to tell any signs of her dissociating or feeling upset hardly. The moment he’s around either his parents, they always get out ahead of Jess. 

The sick feeling is coming up now that we’ve realized how much we ate. Grossly enough, bingeing is all that easier since Jess had her gallbladder removed. Just eat something too greasy or high fat content and it comes right back up on its own. Too bad it doesn’t seem to have helped her lose any weight though, she’s probably put back on every pound she lost before the surgery.

I’m not “weight obsessed” though. I’m not. I just worry about our health. Lower back has been plagued with pain for months now, energy levels practically non-existent, and it’s not a good sign how easily winded we get. I’m not going to purge. Gross as the chips are making my stomach feel, we need that energy.

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