Jess Rambles 2 – TW: anxiety, physical health

The fiance’s dad is getting back today from vacation and I feel paralyzed with anxiety. I need to eat but I haven’t been able to move from the bed besides to go to the bathroom when I got up. Also keeping me in the bed is this godsawful chafing, and a bump between my legs that I’m pretty sure is an ingrown hair but ohmygods does it hurt.

All this back breaking work and cleaning and stuff we’ve been doing all month, and I feel pretty certain his dad won’t bat an eyelash at it. He’s definitely a boomer, and I’ve rarely seen him show an emotion towards me that isn’t derision, sexism, or apathy. Well, he did get really embarrassed one night when he got up in his underwear to run to the bathroom and I bumped into him coming back from the bathroom. But then he just avoided me for like a week and I got some laughs from that.

I just feel like a little appreciation for all that my fiance and I do wouldn’t kill him. We scrubbed the kitchen sparkling, scrubbed the bathroom squeaky clean, vacuumed the living room and hallways half to death, cleaned the back porch, mowed the lawn multiple times, cared for his dogs, heck, we even replaced the falling apart stair railings to the back porch. But a huge part of me feels like he’s just going to grunt and then start going on about why didn’t we straighten up his boat shed and oh by the way where did we move his “insert utterly useless object he hasn’t thought of in three years that we likely misplaced at one point or another and is now going to blame its disappearance on me straightening up his hobgoblin hoard mess”? 

I don’t mean to be negative. I just. Also don’t want to get my hopes up. And I’m annoyed that I even care. He’s not *my* dad. But… He is the closest thing to a dad I’ve experienced since my Pawpaw died. I just want to make him proud, or happy, or at least some semblance of…. Not what he usually is, the gruff disdain he usually bestows on me.

And of course, I feel like I’m literally falling to pieces because of all the cleaning we did. My lower back hasn’t felt right in about a month. The chafing is just unbearable. My sinuses are even more messed up because there wasn’t adequate ventilation in the bathroom so inhaled probably way more cleaner than would be considered even moderately healthy. And that’s just what I can sense at the moment, but there could be other pains and aches and whatnot I can’t tell because the other pain receptors are all crowding in too much and I can’t tell what else hurts. Oh, I’ve got a headache from grinding my teeth in my sleep because nightmares, yay!

I just want to go back to sleep. And when I wake up, fiance’s dad will already be here, have been here for a week, so then I can miss his grand entrance and grand grumblings about all that we *didn’t* manage to accomplish while he was gone. Ugh.