How to Tell if You’re in an Abusive Relationship

Not all abuse is physical, and it can often be difficult for victims of emotional and psychological abuse to recognize it for what it is, especially in the early stages. Here are some things to look for that may be signs that you are in a toxic or abusive relationship. Remember that all people have toxic moments, and one or two things that happen over the course of a multi-year relationship and are worked through in a healthy and understanding way (depending on which of the following items they are) can be very normal. However, if your relationship meets many of the following points, and/or when you try to work through and resolve the issues, there is conflict, which could be a big red flag that you are in an abusive relationship.

We will break down the types of emotional abuse into categories.

Humiliation and Over-the-top Criticism

• Name-calling and insults
• Yelling and generally violent behavior. This may include punching walls, breaking things, etc. While emotionally abusive relationships may not be physically violent, it’s important to recognize they are violent in other ways.
• Patronizing and Dismissiveness
• Public Embarrassment
• Excusing their hurtful behavior as a joke and blaming you for taking it too seriously or making you feel small.
• Putting down your interests and accomplishments.

Control and Shame

• Making threats. These threats might be direct or vague.
• They need to know where you are at all times, and they need you to respond immediately to their calls and texts. They may even show up at your home, work, school, etc. to make sure you are “where you’re supposed to be.
• Require they have your passwords to your devices.
• They gaslight you. They may deny that you ever had certain conversations or that things happened the way they did, leaving you feeling crazy and doubting your own memories.
• They make all the decisions. They can even make big decisions for you without consulting you (quit your job for you, enroll you in school, decide you’re going to move, etc.) They can control what you wear, what you eat, etc.
• They may want to control your finances and require you to ask them for money when you need it. 
• They keep a list of all the mistakes you’ve made, and when you make a new mistake, they give you a monologue reminding you of all your previous mistakes to pile on and make your current mistake feel much bigger.
• They give orders and demands.
• They stonewall you and shut down, refusing to communicate.

Accusing and Denial

• They constantly accuse you of flirting or cheating, even when it’s clear that you’re not. They make guilt-tripping requests or demands for your time to “prove your love”.
• They deny any concerns you raise and get defensive instead of working on them together. Defensiveness can be normal, but instead of just being defensive, they turn it around and blame you, perhaps saying you’re irrational, difficult, or have “impossible standards.”
• They blame you for their own problems.
• They break your things and then claim it was an accident.

Emotional Neglect and Isolation

• Keeping you from socializing.
• Invalidating you – saying your wants, needs, and boundaries don’t matter to them.
• Trying to come between you and other loved ones/make you dislike or distrust your loved ones.
• They use the silent treatment.
• They tell others that you’re unstable/they sabotage you with others.
• They dispute your feelings. (i.e. “You shouldn’t be sad about that”)

How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Don’t Try to Fix Them

It’s not your job to fix your abuser, and if anyone is going to be able to do it, it’s not the victim. That’s just not how the power dynamic works, and while you may want to help, it’s unrealistic and you’ll only get hurt in the process, and you’ll be feeding their toxic behavior and belief that what they’re doing is how it’s supposed to be. They need a professional to help them change, not you.

Avoid Engaging with Them

Don’t respond to their texts or calls, try not to be alone so they can’t get you alone, and keep conversations with them to essential topics.

Set Personal Boundaries (And Stick to Them!)

Set boundaries and stick to them. Remember that boundaries come with personal consequences. They’re not threats; they’re you taking personal responsibility for your limits. For example, “If you yell at me, I’m going home immediately.” 

Build a Support Network

Reach out to loved ones – it can be scary, but tell them what’s going on if it’s safe to do so. Find a therapist and get that support. Also, look for resources in your area based on your specific situation.

Exit the Relationship

Be clear that the relationship is completely over and cut all ties if possible. Block them on all social media, block their phone number, and ignore any attempts to contact you.

Give Yourself Time to Heal

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. Take time to focus on yourself and your needs. Talk to a therapist, spend time with friends, and give yourself time to heal.

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