Please allow me to introduce myself…

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

I’m Saoirse. Which nobody can pronounce. It’s Irish, and can be pronounced SUR-sha, SEER-sha, or SAIR-sha. Just to be confusing, I’ll answer to all three, because meh, at least you made an effort. It’s not Say-Oi-Arse. It’s been my name since I’ve been me, which has been about, what, 16+ years now? I’m actually the integrated result of two alters merging together. Yup, we don’t just split, we combine! In fact, for some people with D.I.D., the goal is to integrate into just one “full” personality. That used to be our goal. Now we just try to work together as best we can.

Even though I have only been “me, me” since around age 30, I have memories going back into childhood… they are just… different. They are mine as viewed through a part of myself that no longer exists as a separate entity. I really don’t know how to explain it. They taste different. lol

Anyway, back to “who the hell are you?” I’m the Super Genius (Wily Coyote style?) of the bunch, although Janet isn’t half bad. I’m the main network engineer, and either Janet or I are the ones that go to work, lately usually me. Although I usually don’t do job interviews, which means life is like a box of chocolates, and employers don’t know what a gem they are getting until I arrive on scene once employed somewhere. <laugh> Actually, I’ve been doing network engineering for over 20 years, so I have a bit of a reputation by now. Sadly, its as “Janet”, but what can you do?

I suppose you could consider me “co-host” of our system, as both Janet & I are “out” a lot. I’m the cooler one. <laugh> Actually, I tend to be one of the most heavily bipolar of the bunch. (Yes, Bipolar I, good god how many diagnosis can you get…Gotta Catch Them All!) I occasionally go hypo-manic and work for like 30 hours straight. More often, I sink into a really dark depression. I try to laugh and have a sense of humor, to play a part, if you will, but I often feel pretty fucking low. I just hide it. That’s the name of the game – hiding feelings, hiding yourself, putting on a brave face, or at least a “Janet” face… comes with the territory.

My job in the system is to keep a roof over our head. I work. I study in order to work better. And then I work some more. My counter part Sharon likes to tease me with notes that say “All work and no play make Saoirse a dull boy”, which I gather is a Shining reference of some kind, although I’ve never seen the movie. And yeah, the boy part. Technically, I identify as non-binary. There is a square hole and a round hole… and I’m a triangular peg. I just don’t fit. I am probably the most butch/masculine of us, though. <shrug> Whatever. It’s kind of like the pronunciation of my name, I’m not overly hung up on “he” or “she” or”they”. The vast majority of the system is female, though, so I roll with “she/her” most of the time. Just make an effort not to be an ass about my gender, and we’ll get along fine.

I’m the main metal head of the group, although I’m not the only one. Here’s one from my favorite band, Therion. It’s part 3 of their trilogy of songs about Kali. With the whole recent “you may be dying” thing, perhaps its time I consider working with her….

#did #music #trans

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