Not changing meds! And why I’m no longer going to refer to myself as a host

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

Hola, Saoirse here, but with Janet kibitizing. The visit with the Psych Doc went well – we’re staying on Zyprexa, thank god. No trying yet another drug that could do who the hell knows what. At least Zyprexa is a known evil. We’ll just be ratcheting up how much Zyprexa we take over the next few weeks, until some semblance of normality (well, normal for us) returns. I should be able to return to work in early May. Huzzah.

So its common in the DID world to refer to the person that is out the most often as the “host” of the system. For many years that was Janet. It’s sort of been shifting more to me, though, thus my “co-host” reference. However, I got a note from Sharon that the whole “host” thing makes it sound like everyone else is a parasite in some destructive symbiotic relationship or something, and isn’t cool. So, um, what would you call someone who is out front the most often, that doesn’t have the potential host/parasite connotation? I’m leaning towards “fronter”? Personally, I never thought of “host” in that way before – I always thought of it more like a late night talk show or something…. and here’s your host, Saoirse!

The other thing I’m starting to wonder about is some secret way to indicate whether its me or Janet out front in real life. Thing is, sometimes we almost co-pilot, and it can be confusing even for us who is the main pilot. That’s actually a really uncomfortable feeling, especially if we’re flipping back and forth a lot. But I’d say 33.3333% of the time its like it is right now. I have Janet in my head, and we can talk to each other internally. I’m the one driving, but she’s interjecting commentary. Of course, sometimes we’re still totally oblivious to each other, or else the whole wiping the laptop fiasco wouldn’t have happened.

Having revealed myself online, its becoming more of a pain to always pretend I’m Janet and answer to that name, at least among my loved ones. So how do I signify, hey, you’re talking to Saoirse right now, not Janet? It’s even more confusing because there is a chance we’re both aware of the conversation to a greater or lesser degree. Gah, it would be easier if we’d just fully integrate, but I don’t know any button to push to make that happen – its always just mysteriously happened on its own, in its own time.

I don’t want to wear a name tag. I thought about a charm bracelet, where depending on what charms are out, signifies who is out front…. but we have really big wrists. So big we can have any official apple watch band we want, as long as its the black XL one. 😛 There are third party apple watch bands we could use, but they’re all like NATO style camo things, which really isn’t our thing. Necklace maybe? Where would I store the charms/pendants that weren’t being used? I’m looking for something subtle to signify to those in the know that hey, this isn’t Janet. Or, hey, this is a co-con team (two charms or pendants at once?).

My mom can tell us apart some of the time, but honestly, when you’ve lived your entire life trying to come in under the radar as someone else, its hard to drop that charade, even if it doesn’t feel like you’re being your true self most of the time. But feeling like no one really knows you SUCKS. The blog has been a taste of being myself that I treasure, but I want more.

So, readers, what do you think? Any bright ideas? No, I’m not going to wear a “Hi, my name is Saoirse” pin. I’m looking for something subtle, but perhaps viewable on a video call?

And I’m WAAAAY tired, but I’m trying to stay up until 4 p.m. to take my meds a couple of hours early, because I think I’m going to crash for the entire night, and sleeping through med time would not be good.

Night all!

#meds #masking

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