I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

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I’m in a really weird space tonight. I had an absolutely exhausting afternoon with medical stuff, and then came home and proceeded to watch music videos on YouTube for hours and hours. My musical taste is certainly… different. Mostly I’ve been jamming out to 80s bands.

I don’t know why the mid-late 80s/early 90s keep coming up for me, but they do. Just stuff. Lots and lots of random stuff. Some good, some bad, some just normal. I don’t know if either Saoirse or Janet had this much access to the 80s. It makes we wonder if FW slipped a little something extra in the water. Seriously though, I seem to have access to a whole lot of “Jim’s” memories that must have been on old backup tapes in someone’s closet or something. What seems to have come online is mainly stuff from about 12 to 17 years old, with a few outliers. It’s tripping me out, because sometimes its pretty intense. I managed to kind of stuff it down during the work week, but iiiiiiiitt’s baaaaack.

So I’m trying not just to get a handle on adult Saoirse and adult Janet, but teenage Jim, and its a lot.

I wish I had a support group or something where I could compare notes to other systems who have dealt with integrations/fusions. I’ve looked online a bit, but groups seem to either keep everything light and airy, with most heavy topics avoided or verboten…. or they seem to be toxic. I haven’t found the Goldilock’s group yet. But boy could I use one.

What I want to find most of all are the Elders, the ones who have walked the entire path and come out the other side. Maybe in books? I really have never read much about DID, as strange as that sounds. I want to pick someone’s brain who is further along in the journey than I am.

Heck, I don’t even know what journey I’m on. Do I want full fusion of all parts? To be “cured” of DID? Or do I just want functional multiplicity on an even higher level? Do I want to keep my DID a secret (kind of late for that, hello blog-sphere), or wave the system pride flag? Frak if I know.

And then there is the little quirk that its not just what journey I want to be on, but what all my various parts want.

OK, so we’ve been spacing out and about for about an hour now – sometimes switches are split second, sometimes they take hours. Here’s my (Sharon) take to jes’ “cure” comment:

#did #fusion

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