I can’t speak for everyone, but I’ve seen quite a lot of people worried that their trauma ‘wasn’t bad enough’ to cause a dissociative disorder. Yes, you know where I’m going – I am one of them. But what’s surprising is that I’m starting to accept my so called not traumatic trauma stuff (take that, Clover!!)
I did not have a horrible childhood. My dad worked himself to the bone but still found time to tell me bedtime stories. My mum, with the loveliest smile, devoted herself to raising my sibling and I. We lived in a close knit community. I was cherished, encouraged and nourished, and most of my memories are joyful.
Except the ones that are not, because I was also abused.
Nor did it help that I was a child with undiagnosed OCD, made to face my deepest fears over and over with a lack of compassion born from ignorance rather than malice. I took to hiding my compulsions, even as I excelled academically and socially. Body image problems followed me since the age of 9, and had few friends, convinced everybody else hated me because I was so ugly.
As a teenager I was sadistically mentally experimented upon by a person who called herself a counsellor. This led to yet more abuse and multiple diagnoses, and was also around the time I started discovering my parts.
Cue Clover. “We’re faking!!!” Notice how she says ‘we’ even when she’s saying we’re faking *eye roll*
Clover : That doesn’t prove anything! I probably tricked myself subconsciously after watching all those Dissociadid videos!! I’m a faker liar drama queen sick attention seeker!! I’ll do anything just to be unique!!
(Note : these are our abuser’s often used words to describe us. ) Oops. Said ‘us’ again. If that’s the case, why do you talk to us even when you’re totally alone? How can you be seeking attention when no one’s even there to give it to you?
Clover : cause I tricked myself so well. *cries*
Yup. It’s probably best to let Clover go on her usual Clovery rant until she gets tired and falls asleep.
And – yup, I’m now Clover. What is this utter crap I’ve written? I don’t deserve to be among people who are really suffering. But I’m going to publish it anyway, so that I can see it and maybe I’ll be able to understand… Or maybe someone else will feel they’re not alone…
Can relate very much to that inner conflict. And the pain of childhood OCD met with little understanding or compassion. You’re in the right place and definitely not alone 🙂
Thank you Shardspace. I’m sorry you had to go through it too.
So I still go through the “it wasn’t bad enough” routine and doubt myself, and another one of us, Janet, felt so strongly that the whole dissociative disorder thing was wrong that we’ve gotten professionally diagnosed multiple times. Even then, I still feel like a fake sometimes. That’s when I remind myself that the disorder exists to be hidden, even from ourselves. Denial is a part of the package deal.
I relate to feeling sometimes like my trauma wasn’t “enough,” and that I must just be some weird faker.
*hugs* You’re not alone in that.