Why Won’t This Awfulness Go Away

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

As implied by the cheery title, things are not going well. 

First off. Getting. Off. Medication. Sucks. 

Getting off medication when you don’t have a therapist sucks majorly. 

Getting off medication without a therapist in the midst of major dysfunctional-family crap and a looming major life change? Sucks!!! 

The medication I am weaning off is an SSRI called Fluoxetine, or as most know it, Prozac. I was prescribed this lovely pill to combat my horrific OCD and haven’t come off it since. I’ve been blessed with various symptom concoctions through the years, so the unfriendly face of Depression is familiar. 

Alongside Depression are its cohorts, Irritation, Loss of Hope, General Body Ache, and some fancier ones like Insomnia and Akathesia (a side effect of antidepressants that makes simply being in your body feel like torture.) 

Now being a psychology student, I’ve interned at a few hospitals and have the privilege of loving what I do. In fact, working with people is one of the things that makes me feel like The Girl Before. Ironically, Me-as-a-therapist gets stuff I woudn’t have known about as The Girl Before, but it makes me mad that I had to go through this – my engineer uncle didn’t have to become a computer to be so good at his job! 

Sorry, bit rambly tonight. Every time I tell people what I study, I get one of the following responses :

“Can you read my mind?”

“Can you get my ex back?”

“What will be my future husband’s name?”

“Oh, so you must be calm all the time!”

“So you know how to cure all those mental people!”

No, no, haven’t got a clue, no way in hell, and what if I told you I am one of ‘those mental people?’ 

Tonight I am haunted by doubt. I’ve been having extended episodes of terrifying psychogenic paralysis and as a result I’m just not okay. Not by a long shot. I love working with patients, but I feel like a fraud for being so functional and yet so broken. No doctor can tell me anything conclusively. 

I don’t have DID or OSDD. Whatever I have doesn’t have a name, and I feel so alone. 

 

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saoirse.t-e-c
Admin
10 months ago

Are you replacing the Prozac with something else? It sounds like you might need it. (I’m going through a med adjustment period myself, I totally feel ya.) You don’t have to be alone though; you have this little community. You don’t have to have DID or OSDD to be here, and you are welcome just as you are.

You might find the recent Plural Positivity World Conference keynote by Dr. Jamie+ Marich to be interesting. She’s a clinical professional with OSDD. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2054iwJAD4

Flusterette
10 months ago

It’s not uncommon to have that kind of reverse imposter-syndrome. Y’know, where instead of feeling like, “Do I really have psychological issues?” and instead it’s like, “Can I really deserve this career when I really have psychological issues?” I had that, as a paramedic. I doubted myself.

The thing is, it’s really important to note that a lot of people who get into the medical field sometimes have little to no experience with most of what they’re going to encounter.

So much so, that sometimes they can’t identify with the issues that some of their patients face.

There are things you experience that will make you a better clinician than other candidates BECAUSE you have had your own health experiences. You can understand some patients better. You can help advocate for them better. You will have better empathy as a clinician, which is important.

There will be a level of sincerity and authenticity to your ability to practice as someone trying to help patients that will be enhanced by your own lived experiences, if that’s any consolation.

Every now and then, you may come across someone who you feel you are the perfect person to best help them, and they’ll feel the “difference,” and be grateful. And on those days, you’ll know you’ve been especially good at doing your job, because finally you’ve made someone feel heard, validated, treated and helped properly in a way that most others couldn’t. 🙂

saoirse.t-e-c
Reply to  Flusterette
10 months ago

The best therapy I’ve gotten has been from therapists who were abused themselves.

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