As implied by the cheery title, things are not going well.
First off. Getting. Off. Medication. Sucks.
Getting off medication when you don’t have a therapist sucks majorly.
Getting off medication without a therapist in the midst of major dysfunctional-family crap and a looming major life change? Sucks!!!
The medication I am weaning off is an SSRI called Fluoxetine, or as most know it, Prozac. I was prescribed this lovely pill to combat my horrific OCD and haven’t come off it since. I’ve been blessed with various symptom concoctions through the years, so the unfriendly face of Depression is familiar.
Alongside Depression are its cohorts, Irritation, Loss of Hope, General Body Ache, and some fancier ones like Insomnia and Akathesia (a side effect of antidepressants that makes simply being in your body feel like torture.)
Now being a psychology student, I’ve interned at a few hospitals and have the privilege of loving what I do. In fact, working with people is one of the things that makes me feel like The Girl Before. Ironically, Me-as-a-therapist gets stuff I woudn’t have known about as The Girl Before, but it makes me mad that I had to go through this – my engineer uncle didn’t have to become a computer to be so good at his job!
Sorry, bit rambly tonight. Every time I tell people what I study, I get one of the following responses :
“Can you read my mind?”
“Can you get my ex back?”
“What will be my future husband’s name?”
“Oh, so you must be calm all the time!”
“So you know how to cure all those mental people!”
No, no, haven’t got a clue, no way in hell, and what if I told you I am one of ‘those mental people?’
Tonight I am haunted by doubt. I’ve been having extended episodes of terrifying psychogenic paralysis and as a result I’m just not okay. Not by a long shot. I love working with patients, but I feel like a fraud for being so functional and yet so broken. No doctor can tell me anything conclusively.
I don’t have DID or OSDD. Whatever I have doesn’t have a name, and I feel so alone.