Possible Fusion, definite Integration

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Might’ve had a fusion.

Noticing changes in me, and some evidence of potential fusion.

I had a depressive episode around a traumatic anniversary early this month that’s taken a few weeks to move through… moving through guilt over not being able to “save” my mother…

Since then I’ve been having more headaches, been needing more sleep, have had more fatigue, and have been having particular dreams.

One dream of a small spider killing other larger spiders, and taking their place (I’ve speculated in blog about having a spider alter).

Another dream of kids in a basement (basement dreams tend to be psychologically significant as it was my safe space growing up, & I think basements are part of my inner landscape for younger parts/Alters).

The persistent sense of dread I’ve been feeling daily for months (that’d worsen significantly when I’d try to initiate tasks/errands/socializing) is finally easing!

It’s so nice to just simply “be” without that awful sensation on me like my shadow.

And last night I dreamt of telling someone that, “I was awakened to find out I was 25, and went back to sleep to find out the next time I woke that I was going on 37” (the age I’m turning this October).

I have been more emotional lately, more drawn to rewatching nostalgic Disney films.

Drawn to different foods.

My handwriting has changed some.

My vision has been a bit different, and I’ve relied more on my glasses.

The changes are subtler as I’ve gone on in my healing. So I don’t know at what point “Integration” is more appropriate a term.

When I was 25, I had a need to figure out a path to safety.

I was working as a waitress, and decided I needed to go back to school and get a career that’d see me in a job with better wage, benefits, and stability (I seemed to know I needed to have a safe space to fall apart, like the Disability coverage I have).

Back then, it was like overnight I became suddenly a different person, extremely motivated to achieve my goal: joined up at a gym and started going 3x-5x/week, & started the prep for paramedic college (got my driver’s license, volunteered at a hospital, took an adult learning centre course to upgrade my biology grade).

And up ’til this point in my life, I’ve gone on to achieve my education, get hired full-time, work… but slowly fell apart. Some of the falling apart was necessary and a matter of time, some of it was brought on by family and work traumas. 

It’s taken time to accept how disabled I am by my symptoms, and to make peace with giving up my career/”Who I was.”

I wonder if another Alter took over from age 25 who could achieve the goals I needed to, and I’ve been slowly healing since my mental breakdowns… to the point that who fronted at 25 could fuse now, and take over?

A more authentic Self, not purely desperately survival-motivated/oriented.

I’m finally at a place of safety and stability in my life, where the new “demands” of life involve: figuring out who I am, what I like, what I don’t like, and how to just live authentically.

I’ve been at a blank for some time with regards to answers to those questions, and it’s been like the answers were out of conscious reach. 

Identity confusion has still been an issue. On top of navigating life with functionally-limiting symptoms related to Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Anxiety, and ADHD (inattentive).

I’ve been having a new interest: rewatching familiar nostalgic Disney movies, and an urge to explore Disney animated films I’m not familiar with. And it triggers a sense of happiness with a gonna-cry sensation when certain songs come on in the films. I definitely feel like a younger part of me is closer to the front, and she’s been enjoying cuddling the cats. 

And I’ve had a bit of new initiative (I cooked a proper dinner for the first time in months; literally haven’t had it in me to prepare proper meals and have relied on my dad for dinners).

Fingers crossed that this continues to be a positive blossoming of Self.

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