In a difficult situation all-around

Things haven’t stopped being difficult for us–an uphill climb that we climb with reluctance only because of the obstacles, not because of the goals–and maybe we are stronger for it, but it is tiring. 

I do not like that our independence is juxtaposed the financial burdens of wanting a college education. That and trying to set boundaries with toxic family members, who guilt us for being ungrateful for their financial contributions. 

They have more access to therapy and resources than we do (money/insurance), and yet we are the “problem” /sar.

I want to throw a fit but worried that in throwing a fit we loose our college education and with that the support network that we have on campus. 

Parents love to play those power games /sar.

We need therapy and we are waiting on therapy.

Its just that the therapist that we want who has training in DID is booked, and at best, we are on their wait-list.

Was recommended to go back to the school’s wellness center for “necessary healing”, though just a bit apprehensive because the last time we had a counselor there they doubted the legitimacy of us being a system because they did not know any symptoms in us (to be fair, we were masking out of discomfort with the counselor). Maybe we will get a different counselor. The place just has a bad taste in our mouth.

Being that it is also winter break, all of our friends are away at home, and they don’t live near Ohio which means we won’t be able to physically see/interact with them until break is over. Classes start January 10th, people are expected to get back before then. 

For the most part, we are alone on campus. Beside that there are maybe three other people still on our floor who are also here, but we don’t interact for many reasons. 

Which means, we are left to our own devices.

We are still learning how to function together, we surely have gotten better, but we could be in a much better place and that is hard to rationalize. 

Still being in relative contact and exposure (even not physically) to our family adds a lot of stress onto us. More stress means more stressed out system members. Which means more desire to just push system members away and either sleep or watch television all day. 

Maybe that says more about our general attachment style /sar.

I think that we are doing the best with what we have, though it doesn’t feel like we are doing enough. I don’t know if it will ever feel like it’s enough.

Especially if we are in constant fear of the future.

We are only a college freshman and the thought of senior gradation is bleak. Not specifically for academic reasons, but for the financial reasons. 

Our paternal grandmother taunted us that if we keep up this “act” that our parents might not be so gracious to help pay for our college tuition. And since we don’t have that kind of money. We are fucked.

 Why can’t our family see us as responsible adults, adulting, and managing life on our own? Why do they have to consider ourselves to be a selfish child who still needs to be stripped of their autonomy, because they “don’t know what is best for them”? Because, clearly, it is not about what is best for us. We tell our parents “I am staying on campus for my own well-being” and they respond with “we miss you, we want to see you”, not even acknowledging what we said about our own well-being. It is not about what is best for us, it is what is best for the family. Clearly.