Things feel a bit hopeless 

I feel sad either my feelings or feelings that are blending through. 

I don’t know why we are sad.

Though I equate it with feeling hopeless about our college situation, though that might not be the case. 

Maybe it’s because we went to the local library and got movies from the kids section and saw things that looked vaguely familiar from our past. 

Thought that writing might help. 

I just want it to be January 2nd so that our contact at our financial aid office could respond to us. Also on that date the dining hall will be open and we won’t have to worry so much about food, well, besides waking up in time for when the dining hall is open for limited hours. 

I don’t like feeling hopeless.

But we usually rebound. 

Though it feels like rebound after rebound. 

Go through hardships –> rebound –> go through hardships –> rebound –> …

Maybe I should admire our ability to overcome obstacles. Look how far we have come versus where we were. 

Though often when people applaud us for a certain talent it often feels weird, a certain pain in our chest. Mainly because we have these skills though most of them are survival skills. We did not ask to be good at survival, it’s just how our brain kept us alive. 

Think that we saw somewhere some system said “We get to start living for ourselves and we’re not running scenarios and extrapolating best courses of action. We can just be present.” We are not at that point. We are still going through scenarios and best courses of action. How do we make things turn out in our favor rather than that of our parents?

Also want to blame our parents for their lack of emotional maturity and lack of therapy. Mainly because they are probably pissed off at us and feeling hopeless because in their mind their youngest child decided to ditch them, asking for money for college and giving “nothing” in return. And they make those feelings our problem. It’s not about our own well-being it’s about how it is affecting them. 

Our parents are not making this easier on us. We are in a difficult situation because we are at a crossroads between personal autonomy and familial obligation. We come from a family that prioritized familial obligation. 

Their reactions hurt us. It makes it hard on us. It makes us doubt if we made the right decision in creating distance between us and our family. 

It feels a bit hopeless because we haven’t been in this situation before, so we don’t have the experience of how to navigate it. 

I just wish that we had more people on our side, especially those with hefty financial contributions. (Sounds ideal. Though given our situation with our family and money, that could possibly be triggering for us. So used to huge power imbalances). 

We will probably get through with this. Somehow.

— 

We gave one of our friends an update about our situation.

She asked us if there is any way that she can help our anxiety with our current situation. 

I don’t know how she can help. Maybe offer support when those deadlines approach?

Our parents prioritized physical needs over emotional needs. 

Which means when she offered support we jumped to how she could help with our physical needs. Housing/food concerns. Which she can’t really met because tuition is fucking expensive and we are a picky eater. 

Though there are probably ways that she can help out emotionally. Though only so much through text because she is back at her home state (which isn’t Ohio) for winter break. 

I don’t know how people can meet needs that are not physical. 

I want therapy for us. I want a good therapist to help us sort out things. And for some of us to be open about what they are quite about. 

It’s hard to put stuff out in a public space without feeling like you are putting it on for show. 

“Dance monkey, Dance monkey”

Even though the spectacle usually comes from our own head and the trauma that made it exist there. 

I want to do more than just survive. 

I want to go through the challenges of doing something that makes us feel good, something that we can learn that doesn’t have to be for a practical reason such as survival. 

Though I saying this knowing that our days of survival are not behind us. 

At least we get some breaks in our schedule /sar. 

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Responses

  1. Completely different life situation, but this part hit us hard:
    “We get to start living for ourselves and we’re not running scenarios and extrapolating best courses of action. We can just be present.” We are not at that point. We are still going through scenarios and best courses of action.

    That…is very relatable. I can’t even comprehend how to start not running all of the scenarios and best courses of action. It seems…impossible.
    -Alexei

  2. I can relate to a lot of this. Feeling like you’re putting on a show by putting your honest feelings out there, not knowing how to ask for non-physical help. (Honestly feels like two worlds – inside of my head and outer world – that are not made to coexist trying to merge.)