Trying to make sense/process things

What do you do when your awareness and processing is different than what it is?

I know, for example, that we are a domestic violence survivor, but I do not have this connection to our experience.

It is going from “I have strict parents” to “My parents were actually abusive?” and not knowing how we got there, but that it seems to be a matter of fact that our family is shit.

I know that we have asked our friends to refer to us collectively as “you all” or “you guys” and in text messages we would often say “we”, but that is foreign to me.

Being referred to being a part of collective.

I do not know how much of it is lack of system awareness on my end, or my lack of belief that I could ever be a part of something more than myself, like a system. 
Was always the oddball, felt left out in a group, now it seems like I am not alone in this body?

I guess I do not know where to begin.

I do not necessarily want to be a host, nor do I think that I am, I just have been out for awhile today. Also do not think that we should have only one person dictating things in the external world. (I want to say “ruling”, but I do not think that would be fitting).

I think that should be proud of myself for at least going along with this, writing about my experience. But it is not entertaining a fantasy, is it, if there have been blog posts not written by me by this same username, is it?

Maybe it is also the father stuff with DID. (Short Answer: Father was way out of line on what he spoke about DID when our brother and us were kids, way out of line.)

I think that I am slightly getting used to my situation. 

Do still wish that I was back in my room at my house, only because of the size of the bedroom and the window seat, and not sharing it with someone else. Do not want to be back there for the abuse, obviously.

Circling back to what I previously said–think that was me–I do not know how to manage things when my understanding of recent trauma with our parents is unknown to me, yet, I am still in that situation. 

I may not know why we say “Fuck you, parents” and “Fuck you, grandma”, though I do not think that we would say these things without reason.

I also do not know if I am not supposed to know these things. 

Like I would somehow be tainted with this knowledge.

Am I supposed to remain naive, not go digging? To remain clueless?

I think that we got a comment in our previous blogpost applauding us for “having a sense of self” I do not know if I got that right, and apologies if that is incorrect. Do not want to cause any harm. I do not think that I necessarily have a sense of self. I mean I understand my “essence”, who we used to be, but that does not mean that I know who I am.

I think what we have said that “it is hard to have a sense of self, when you were punished for having a self”, I guess that is true, though I do not know how we were punished for having a sense of self.

I guess it could be considered narcissistic abuse, I just do not know how that connects to our collective experience.

I also feel like I am doing something wrong, by continuing where others left off. Should I be doing something different?

Like I ought to be doing something else, but I do not know what, and by me not knowing feels like I am doing something wrong.

Members in our system would probably say that is from trauma, the constant worry about doing something wrong.

I do not know if I want to know our collective trauma, or I just think that I should know, because it would make things easier. 

Knowing the trades to beat the game.

Though I wonder if that would deny me my personhood and my current level of tolerance.

Am I ready to handle this knowledge of our abuse?

I think I know more than I let on, though also suppress my knowing because I fear what the implications of me knowing means.

I think that I do not want to disappear without a trace. Which is why I write this blogpost(s?). 

I do not think that I am the only one in our system with this kind of predicament, though I still feel alone in it.

Words like “co-con” and “co-fronting” do not quite make sense. 

I do not know if I sound rude in saying “maybe because I did not first know myself as an alter.” We are all people here, in this system, though I think, that knowing if you are an alter and when you know does affect your perception of self. Even just a little.

I want to write to be creative, because I do not think that we have gotten that much opportunity when this body was a kid.

It is also a bit interesting in the social realm. The people here on campus, are not the people who I went to high school with.

My sense of social circle is different than what we have on campus.

How can you still be hung up on people that you do not even remember or know why they are not in our life anymore?

Definitely feels like I am a ghost. Like the world has moved past me and I am stuck. 

But I am not stuck I can do things, I can change things, but it feels like I am walking with half a brain, not fully here, because I still do not know what here is.

I am still confused.

And, I think it is okay that I am confused and realize that I am confused.

Better to acknowledge something than to leave it to fester, right?

(I do not have a lot of trust in my own judgment, because it seems like my judgments is still what my parents made my judgment be like. And I do not want to encourage the toxicity and abuse from our parents.)

Published in Member Blogs

Responses

  1. Oof, that sounds rough. I know we’re only starting to become a little less confused about everything, and it’s only some of us in certain situations still…I hope things will steadily improve for y’all, though!
    -Emmett Cullen

  2. You won’t disappear without a trace. Alters can go dormant, alters can grow, alters can fuse, but they don’t just stop being. Also, it’s totally OK to be confused – DID can be very, VERY freaking confusing. Just take it one hour at a time (sometimes a day is a bit much), and you’ll be OK.