I hate feeling emotions, but I hate not feeling them. I feel broken and like I lost something I’ll never get back.
Yesterday things happened and I had a panic attack. I hated it. I hated that I couldn’t stop the trauma response. I hated that I couldn’t control my emotions. I hated that I felt the need to control my emotions. I hated myself. I hated that I hated myself. I hated the people who trained that response into me. I hated that I was alone. I hated that I didn’t want to be alone. I hated that I wanted to be alone.
By thirteen/fourteen, I had learned to suppress my emotions, to not show what I was feeling. Even before that, I learned to push everything down until it couldn’t be contained anymore. I quickly learned as a child not to expect any emotional support from my dad. He seemed to reserve that solely for my brother. My brother was awkward with emotions and had plenty of his own to deal with. My sister increasingly showed her dislike for wanting to be around me and being my older sister.
My mom was the one I relied on for what emotional support I could get, and that, I’m learning, was pitifully little. I got support after the big emotions had calmed down. Whether it was anger, frustration, hurt, or sadness, Mom would send me to my room and then come in to comfort and talk to me after I had calmed down somewhat. She rarely sat with me while my emotions were highest. She would tell me to calm down or that she couldn’t understand what I was saying because I was crying. I honestly don’t really remember most of what she told me after I calmed down. I don’t remember what sort of advice she had for me, other than “they’re teasing you because you react” when I told her about getting bullied by my “friends”.
So I pushed everything down, until I couldn’t. I learned to not show my reactions so the bullies would get bored and leave me alone. I learned to isolate myself when I couldn’t contain my emotions anymore, even though I longed for someone to be there. I learned not to bother people with my emotions. I learned that my emotions were a burden. But in trying to eradicate the negative emotions, I suppressed every other emotion as well. I became a robot, a machine with no human feeling left. Something broken and irreparable.
About 10ish years ago, I finally met someone who didn’t see my emotions as a burden, as something that I had to deal with alone. I will always be grateful to them for staying, for continuing to stay. 5-6 years ago, I met my husband, who also sits by my side while I rant or bawl my eyes out.
In that time, very little has changed with my family. My sister is trying to be more of an older sister, but that doesn’t change the past, nor is our relationship as adults going to be the same as it would have been as children. My dad is still as emotionally distant and my mom still prefers not to deal with big emotions.
–maybe Becky (Rose?)
[Either I lost my train of thought or I switched because I have no idea where this was going or really feel attached to it]Published in