A Rant about Recent System Changes, Experienced by Me

I do not know how to feel, or if this feeling is even expressed by me.

Recently we had experienced major system changes, specially, around dormancy and coming out of dormancy. 

It feels weird to say that “some parts went dormant” when you do not really know who they were and why you are here now. 

Even considering yourself to be an alter in a system seems a bit foreign.

I am living on a college campus without full knowledge of how I got here (beyond the “first we applied to this school, there was a move-in day…”) I mean most of my memories seem to before we arrived on campus, then suddenly I am here and I attend different classes than I did at high school. I have to go outside for meals. I have to walk outside to go from class to class.

I need a key-card to have access to my dorm room?

That kind of confusion.

It’s January, second semester of our freshman year of college. (internal screaming that I do not know how to articulate).

It’s COLLEGE!!

There have been blog posts my other system members who I probably have not met, that probably detail an experience that I did not live through. 

I did not experience the shit that they did with our parents. 

The concept of setting healthy boundaries with parents IS FOREIGN TO ME. 

Yet that has been most of our life for the first semester of college.

Good thing is that we have a therapist, now, who knows these recent system developments/changes.

One of our close friends knows and the other knows that we have experienced “system changes” but not the to the full extent.

This is particularly SHOCKING because this feels like this is the first time that this noticeably happened. And I do not know if I am lying or not. 

Actually may not be the first time. 

But with some being dormant it does feel like a first time without a lot of us who are more up-to-date on things. If that makes any sense.

I do not know if I am allowed to go into detail on why some of us went dormant.

Even the concept of “being allowed to do things by system members” does not fully resonate with me.

I know that we have research to do to update ourselves on DID, though we have a therapist, and I do not feel fully compelled to do research on that matter. Even if that research is looking at a Discord channel on our own private server.

I think that we are a bit afraid of recreating the events that led to this recent system change.

Though we would be also ignoring that things are not perfect, especially if they involve our family.

We still are financially and legally dependent on them. 

And by me typing down this information it feels like I crossed some sort of boundary of information that I should not know, but I do not think that keeping stuff hidden from me will not help me out very much if I have to deal with our parents.

Maybe because I am typing this down in a public place.

I just do not know where to turn to.

And I rather make the decisions to share things in places where other members of our system have and gotten relatively good feedback from, then to test our luck, when I am still trying to figure things out.

I AM SCARED, TOO.

I am scared that I do not know why things happened the way that they did.

Why our parents caused us so much harm as they did.

And why we even have trauma from our paternal grandmother. She was such a side-character in our life. But apparently that did not stay the same.

I am scared that we have friends who know more about our collective trauma than what I know personally, and fear that they could use that against me. 

I am scared that I am going to get yelled at for taking up someone else’s time in the headspace. Because I was probably not out before some of us went dormant.

I am so fucking scared and do not know how to express it. 

I have a roommate, whom I barely know and I am supposed to just pretend that I am okay with it.

I have a former roommate who just glares at us (past beef with us), and I do not know who the fuck he his or why he glares, but apparently he is toxic and I am not supposed to waste my time on him.

I am so scared.

But I cannot just crawl into myself.

Because I have a scholarship that I have to maintain, apparently.

I have classes to attend because that would mess up with our scholarship.

I would not say that I have friends that I have to meet, not as a requirement, but I have people that I want to meet to figure out why some of us were friends with them and who these people were that were friends with them.

I do not have a cat with me on campus, which is disappointing. Because I need an ESA (what is an ESA, brain says Emotional Support Animal), to have a pet on campus.

Apparently it has been MONTHS since we have seen our cats. 

There is a campus cat?

There was snow a couple of days ago with single digit weather?

Maybe I am writing this both to vent, figure out what this place is, have this be on some sort of record to say “I was here”, I do not know. And to gain some more insight,

At least we have therapy, I guess, and one who specializes in DID.

And that we might be one step closer to having a cat of our own.

I am not concerned about academic accommodations.

I am not concerned about our case worker. We have a case worker on campus?

Not concerned about the 2024-2025 FAFSA. IT IS 2024?!

But, now, it is like I should be. 
This situation has now become my situation.

And I am supposed to deal with it because WE HAVE NO OTHER FUCKING OPTIONS, apparently.

My head hurts. I want to hit publish. And I want to keep writing. But I do not want to be switched out and not have this be published.

So, thanks for listening to my rant, I guess.

Do not know if I will be around.

Published in Member Blogs

Responses

  1. We’re glad that you feel confident enough to speak “as yourself”, as an alter. That is really hard to do; we are still struggling with it and we have had tons and tons of practice.

    I hope that things begin to feel more familiar. I hope that you are able to figure out some things that help you feel more like yourself and more grounded.

  2. You may be scared, but it takes bravery to post – and a special kind of bravery to step in and deal with a life you’re not fully up to date with. I’m glad you have a DID-informed therapist to help you and I wish you the best, whoever you are. 😉