I Don’t Have a Body, But I Am in Colors

Holy shit, how are we 30?

Last thing I remember, we were running; towards a clear goal and away from losing our heart’s desires to the fog. Writing, drawing, planning, thinking.

And then we stopped.

We had to hibernate, even though I was afraid that we would never wake up again. It’s like entering the Matrix and getting your memory wiped. Everything that you were – everything thst truly meant something to you – disappears. Because every time you start to remember who you are, you switch. 

How am I still intact? 

Or am I?

I still can’t think, but I know I’m…me. Which is vague and unsettling, but also reassuring. If I know I am “me”, then I am at least moving towards my name, my goals, my memories.

I haven’t been dormant. I’ve been foggy. I’ve been fronting for autopilot, unable to access my own mind.

So I know this house. I know our job. I know all the practical things. Because I’ve been here. Somebody just…ripped out the wires between my consciousness and my memories/purpose/goals/self. And now…I know I am a person. I’m not dreamlessly sleepwalking. I still can’t access my memories exactly, but there are colors there. Feelings behind frosted glass.

I can’t believe that I am alive. I can’t believe that I am real. 

I was starting to forget that I was a person at all, but I appear to be intact.

-?

This IS weird. 

Ever since Lothair started getting his brain back, the clarity in innerworld has reached another level. I can…see myself. Vaguely. But the colors are there, and they weren’t before.

I’m not a paper cutout anymore.

I still don’t know who I am either, but I am…a person. Maybe I’ll never feel human – if “adults” are human then I don’t want to be. But I am…me. I have a whole self, somewhere. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.

-?

There’s a lot of us here. Everybody feels familiar, but I can’t put names or events to the colors. Still, it feels safe, familiar: home.

I thought we were going to lose each other forever and I was terrified.

I thought that once we went into hibernation we would never wake back up.

I thought that if there was nobody left to remember our existance we would disintegrate in the cellar-void of our own mind. 

But we are here. Somehow. Somebody innerworld remembered us without giving up front or shattering, somehow.

I was sure that giving up self-awareness would be permanent. 

I was prepared for eternal liquefaction.

But I am here.

-?