The cycle of a phénix

You are probably thinking that something with such a title is going to be some really cool symbology-packed story that shares a very veiled aspect of our system.

Nope. Today is a vent/rant that turned into me looking at things from a different perspective

So here goes

I wrote a poem in our drafts.

It was a beautiful poem, and with it being in a style I am less proficient at, I was very proud of myself for it.

I wanted to publish it, but instead saved it as a draft because I wanted to ask my boyfriend if it was okay, as it was a poem about the beauty of his love for me, and how his love for me presents itself in the most magical of ways.

So I saved it to our drafts.

Not a problem.

Now, BEFORE I copy/pasted the text (because I just saved it, I don’t need to worry about that), I refreshed the page (this is quite easy to do on our phone by accident, though this time I did it without thinking)

The problem with that, which we have unfortunately found out before, is that if you refresh the writing page, it will clear your writing…even if you had a saved copy of what you were working on, welp…it’s gone now.

I instead now only have a blank screen, and the weirdly hollow feeling that comes from situations like this.

It was purely my own doing. We have done this to at least five blog post drafts before this.  I just wasn’t thinking. I should have at least copied the text before this happened…after all, we try to do that before saving a draft anyway, just in case something glitches.

So yeah…Definitely my own bad on that.

But it is still frustrating

And sure, I can write another poem

But it isn’t going to be the same

I don’t remember the exact flow of words.

And yes, I can tap into the feelings of my boyfriend’s love and again create a telling of it’s layers and intricacies

But some of the symbolism will likely be lost forever

Even if my next poem is even better, I shall find myself comparing it to something that is likely becoming far more ornate and beautiful in my mind due to not having it anymore

The amnesia can set in and make me forget about the fluctuations in the meter, or how certain words would end up oddly repeating

In essence, I now find myself worried that I will now forever be reaching for a perfection of poetry that never existed in the first place

And hopefully recognizing this thought and worry right away like this will ease some of those impulses and un-needed thought patterns

I actually still remember one item of symbology I put in the poem, and I feel like it’s very needed and fitting to share it here

I spoke of my boyfriend’s love for me giving me the powers of a phénix. I am a vampire, and so I noted how the brightness of his love should incinerate me to ashes. And yet, I find myself rising from those ashes cyclically in order to wrap myself in the warmth and comfort of his love

And so, if I am to teuly lean into this statement I made, I suppose rewriting a poem of love and beauty from the fading ashes of what I remember saying is a paltry task

Looking at it that way, frustration turns to humor

I spoke of being a phénix, and now I must go through the cycle, even if it is only symbolically through writing

And I mean…this gives me an excuse to day-dream and think of nothing but my boyfriend all over again! Why would I EVER be upset about that opportunity?

I love him, and even if it takes me awhile to rewrite the poem, I know the feelings I put into it will only deepen and grow…so there’s no downside to this. If anything, I get a chance to make something even MORE beautiful