Apologies for the clickbait title, but even though he died two years ago this week, in a way, I *did* kill him Monday night in therapy.
We found that one of our child alters was still living in our parent’s bedroom with our father abusing her, and it was time to make it stop. So, adult me grabbed a shotgun and blew him away.
It was oddly satisfying.
Now, I know it wasn’t real and that it was all in our headspace, but I’m still feeling weird about it two nights later.
While I’m a protector of our system, I’m also a dedicated pacifist. We all are. That doesn’t mean we turn over and never fight back; we just choose not to use violence as a method of fighting. There are other ways. But no, my first reaction on “seeing” the situation on Monday night was to go straight for a shotgun, to end it once and for all. And in that moment, it felt GOOD.
That bothers me in a way.
As a teenager, we almost decided to blow him away with a shotgun for real. Our friend Scott talked to us online (well, on BBS) and off that ledge one night – I don’t think he knew how close we really were to snapping. But the realization struck home that ending things that way, through anger, through RAGE, was letting our father’s ways win. He was the one with the hair-trigger temper. That was his way. By stepping close to ending his life, we were risking turning into him. A fate worse than death, that.
(We didn’t let the bastard turn us into him, for which I am eternally thankful. He died of natural causes decades later, estranged from his family. We did not go to the funeral.)
But, in a way, a part of me feels like he did win a little bit Monday night when I chose to mentally blow him away. I still chose the idea of violence, if not the actual practice of it.
Does that make me a bad person?
I mean, this was a man who abused us countless times over more than a decade – our primary abuser, if sadly not the only one. Without him, we might have never developed DID. I’d lie if I said I hadn’t had revenge fantasies before – but they were always wistful daydreams that soon cleared away. This time, my therapist gave us the choice of rewriting the situation in any way we wanted. I could have chosen anything… aliens could have landed in the backyard and abducted him, taking him away forever… but no, I shot him point blank while he was bare-ass naked. Sigh.
I’m overthinking this. I know I am. It just feels wrong because it felt so RIGHT.
Can relate to having a fear of even thinking violent thoughts, because of not wanting to turn into a parent. But also of the thoughts being satisfying…. It’s definitely scary. I think it’s a normal PTSD thing, and most of us traumatized people don’t go on to kill anybody. I hope you are able to feel better soon.
Yeah, I have problems with anger and violent thoughts… I mean, I know they are emotions everyone has, but allowing myself to have them when they aren’t directed inwards… that’s hard.
Oof…virtual hugs for any who would like them /p
Idrk how everything works, but is it possible that it felt so “right” bc you guys were allowing yourselves to express an action and emotion combo that had previously been repressed? Like, whoever was holding onto those feelings and the desires for that action actually got to “see it to completion” and then let it go?
-Kyrenoc
You may be right on the money. Thank you for that.
No prob!
I know you think you are a bad person, but you are so from that. You care and provide for us all. I know we don’t always see eye-to-eye, but you are NOT our father and will NEVER be our father. It’s ok to be angry – its a neutral emotion, it’s what you do with it that counts… and you haven’t hurt anyone.