Most of the time, if I’m having trouble with being bipolar, its pretty much straight depression. I crawl into myself and sleep 20 hours a day, and eventually get through it. Other times I go hypo-manic, which is mania-lite. Diet Mania? I operate on 2-3 hours of sleep a night, and am usually highly productive, jumping over buildings in a single bound. I’m not balls to the wall manic, but I’m full of energy.
Then there are nights like tonight. I’m depressed and hopeless, but my mind is also going 1000 miles per hour and I can’t sleep. Thankfully these mixed episodes are rare, but THEY SUCK. I’m full of nervous energy, but I can’t concentrate worth a damn or actually APPLY that energy to anything useful. Usually if I’m hypo-manic I get ultra, laser focused. Not so right now. Instead I’m struggling with this blog post, in between breaks watching YouTube videos and well, staring off into space. (Yeah, I’m a bit dissociated as well.)
This blog post is going to be a little different, dear reader. I’m going to bring you into my head, and just stream of consciousness ramble. OK, maybe that isn’t THAT different, but I usually try to put some thought behind these posts. This one is mainly an exercise to keep me from screaming in frustration. Who knows where this is going to go.
One of my frustrations is Janet. We’ve been co-conscious a lot recently, and that’s cool. But I skipped out for a day or so, and Janet went and wiped 3 Linux systems and installed Windows 10. Now, fine, she can have Windows on the desktop and media PCs, but I’m pissed because she wiped MY laptop without doing any kind of backup first. This cheap shit laptop was bought expressly to run Linux, and as a reward for me putting in the vast majority of time and effort at work. We have a high end i9 gaming laptop that yes, runs Windows, that Janet could have used. But no, she had to wipe my cheap shit laptop! Argh. I’ve spent countless hours getting it back into shape.
And that’s DID for ya. You think, hey, maybe Janet and I will fully integrate here one of these days, we seem to be blending together or being co-con a lot… and then… somebody does something to YOUR stuff while you aren’t around that totally shows you aren’t on the same page. I’m pissed, and disappointed. She should have known how important this laptop is to me, precisely because its one of the few things I’ve claimed as MINE. So let me be an asshole, and say that if my laptop gets wiped again, I’m changing all the passwords on all the computers and locking your ass out. Remember the domain controller wars? Bring it.
As for the laptop, its certainly cheap shit that I wouldn’t recommend to anyone wanting a recommendation. It’s redeeming quality is it cost about the same as an iPhone. And I don’t mind others in the system using it… heck, I could maybe forgive wiping it if a simple backup had been taken first. My fault for not having automatic backups set up yet on it, I suppose.
And yes, I’m bitching a lot tonight. Deal. Like I said, I’m wired and unhappy. (Dear reader, that bit was actually to an unspecified head-mate, who simply said “Bitch much, Saoirse?” internally.) Yes, this is DID in all its glory.
Let’s see, I want to climb out of my skin, I can’t breathe worth a damn, and other head-mates are being inconsiderate jerks. What do I have to be depressed about? Oh, maybe how I’m on a leave of absence from work from now until May. Yes, the medication switch isn’t going well. But maaaaaan, work is what keeps me sane. (-ish) I don’t know what to do with myself.
Actually, my breathing has gotten a little better. I just wish the Spiriva didn’t make me cough so much. And according to my Apple Watch, my oxygen still drops down to serious lows while I sleep. I’m supposed to have a sleep study soon, I hope they catch this shit and see me dive down to 70-ish% SpO2. With my luck I won’t be able to sleep. Seriously, I’m curious if a CPAP or something would result in more restful sleep for me, and maybe less nightmares? One can hope.
And I’m pretty spacey, so I’m going to end this post now I think. My apologies for not going back through and editing it and making it pretty. This was less of a “communicate with readers” exercise than a “make it through the next hour” one. Yeah, I’m not in a day at a time mode tonight, but an hour at a time.