I don’t post much on this forum, and when I have I’ve usually been co-con with somebody else, and kind of let them flow through. I don’t feel like I need to be in control to be present.
Trauma Guru (our therapist) seems to like the idea of me. To be fair, I like the idea of him too. I was the one who initially set us on the road back into therapy last year. But I don’t know that I’m every thing he thinks I am. Yes, I’m in touch with things, but those things include that I know I’m not some perfect soul – I have bad days and good days, just like anyone else.
What brought me up tonight was Therapy Guru helping Saoirse find her life force. That, and briefly I think Saoirse touched my Web. No, not a computer style web. A chaotic spider style, except its made out of energies. It’s how the system connects to each other, and how we connect to the much, much larger web of the universe.
Sometimes I think of the Web kind of like fate, but without the doom and gloom that is attached to that word. I view the universal web as a 4 dimensional tangled mess of cables of energy. If you want a certain outcome to manifest in your life, you can pull a cable closer to you…. but that impacts the shape of the rest of the web, which is where you get the consequences and impact on those around you. Being aware of where the web is stretched thin, and where it has plenty of give, is kind of part of what I do in the system. I consciously try to weave our fate, and try to be aware of the state of our Web and where it needs help.
That isn’t to say I am the master of all our fates. Saoirse probably has more day to day impact than I do. I don’t focus on the small rocks, I move boulders. And that sometimes takes years and a lot of patience and small course corrections along the way.
One boulder I’ve been trying to move is to get us to accept our truth and live with it. In part, that means being open and accepting of each other and being a system. Not only that, it means being proud of being a system, not ashamed. I’ve seen the success of LBGT+ Pride, I think mental health needs similar champions. That does not come without risk, obviously – but if no one takes a risk, it won’t get better for the community as a whole. We (t-e-c) don’t have physical offspring, but we do have kindred spirits out there, many of whom don’t have the privileges we do.
I know mental health needs Pride, because with the exception of dissociation, we’ve been very open in our career about depression, anxiety and so forth. And people have come out of the woodwork with “me too” type comments. It’s EXACTLY like when we came out as transgender, and people started admitting things to us on everything from orientation to sex addiction. The corporate world is full of people who are bipolar, borderline, on the autistic spectrum, have major anxiety…. but most people are afraid to let it be known, so they don’t know that a bunch of their co-workers are just like them. This needs to change.
That boulder seems to be rolling nicely these days in our life. Yes, we could get fired, but if it happens, it happens. It’s easier to be brave when you have money in the bank.
The other boulder I’m trying to get moving has to do with our weight. That’s a tough one. I know it has a big impact on our health, but mental and physical. But, we’ve pretty much ended the practice of snacking through the day, now just concentrating on 3 or 4 meals a day. And those portion sizes are slowly getting smaller. We still eat an unhealthy diet, but I’m just trying to get us conscious of our eating at this point. It’s a big rock, it will take years to move. And that’s OK. We don’t have to be ashamed of being fat, but at the same time, we can accept that there is a better way to live.
And yes, I do like soap boxes, why do you ask?
Switching gears, our system is programmed very deeply with music. Here’s are a couple of videos from my favorite bands: