Revolving Door Night

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

Ladies and Gentlecreatures, tonight we have a special engagement. A few members of T-E-C are either co-con or rapidly switching in and out right now, so we’re going to try “live” journaling for an hour or two and see what comes up. Welcome to our reality.

carol ann:

I’m really not scary saoirse. i don’t understand why you don’t like me. i know I did some bad things a long time ago but I didn’t really want to do them and I don’t think it’s fair if thats why you don’t like me.

Saoirse: It’s not that I don’t like you carol ann, it’s mainly that I still blank out a lot when you’ve been out. I don’t like losing chunks of time. I feel like I’m losing control. I associate you with blanking out. Also, therapy tonight was right – I have a problem with how vulnerable some of the younger parts can be, yourself included. I don’t like being vulnerable.

carol ann:

oh so its not that you don’t like me its just that you have a problem with me. that stinks. its not my fault i’m little. I’ve been trying really really hard to grow up even, so you can maybe like me. i know us littles hold a lot of really scary memories and stuff and I’m sorry for that but its not our fault and its not fair to be mean to us.

Saoirse: How am I mean to you?! I

carol ann:

you don’t give me time to do my things like watch what I want on tv. you always freak out when i’m out for even an hour or two like its some big bad thing. but its not. all I want to do is watch tv, watch silly cat videos, color, just kid stuff. whats so wrong with that?

Saoirse: What’s wrong is we live in a body that’s almost 50. We shouldn’t be doing kid stuff.

carol ann:

why not? no one sees us do it. we littles are sooooo careful to be good, why can’t we have some time to play? it’s not fair. you take up all the time with your work and stuff but people need time to play too.

Sharon: She’s right you know. I know that you function in a high state of panic a lot of the time, trying to

Saoirse: I am NOT panicking. I’m stressed, yes, but adult life can be stressful. I provide for all of us, keep us fed, housed, comfortable. Yes, I work a lot, maybe too much, but I’m trying my best to keep us afloat. It would be great to just be worried about getting a turn to watch tv, I have to worry about keeping us afloat financially. And yeah, I know I force myself forward a lot, but I didn’t ASK to be host, y’all just dumped it on me a few years ago, and I daresay I’ve done a good job.

Sharon: You have done well by us, no one is arguing that you haven’t. But you are afraid of the littles in our system, which is part of what you blank out so much when they come and go. If you tried being more accepting instead of just living in fear of them, it would go a long way to making us a healthier system, and may result in you losing less time to boot! Hard talk time, Saoirse, but you react and live a lot out of fear. I know you think you are protecting us by doing that, and yes, you do some awesome things, but you’re killing us. We have to focus on things other than your small world if we are going to get physically healthier and survive. You are an awesome host, but there needs to be more balance. You don’t have to take my word for it, listen to TherapyGuru who we pay a lot of money to. He’s an outside expert on these things.

Saoirse: Am I afraid of losing time? Yes. Of being vulnerable when I’m not in my right mind to protect us? Yes. But

carol ann:

but you don’t have to be afraid. we aren’t going to do anything bad or get in trouble if you aren’t up in front and in charge all the time. serious when was the last time that happened?

Saoirse: Well, it’s been a few months since the last really bad flashback.

carol ann:

those aren’t our faults! maybe if you talked to us more when it wasn’t bad, you’d see that we’re not the bad ones. in fact we need to make good times and friends and stuff so the bad things are not all we have.

Saoirse: OK. Listen, I’m tired, bone tired, I have a headache, and I haven’t been sleeping well due to work drama. For tonight, I really just want to go to bed. I’m also not too keen on sharing this post, but maybe thats ok too. As long as its not during work time and when we’re alone, I will try really hard not to freak out and fight for control if I become aware of you being out.

(The conversation above may look easy, but it took two hours and we’re exhausted.)

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Flusterette
9 months ago

I can so relate to the ambivalence towards other parts.
Granted, I don’t have a DID diagnosis, but in therapy we’re at the IFS stage of things and I’ve only recently been open to talking to him about there being anything like ‘parts’ in me.

I think (at least for me) there’s such been an inherent phobic/avoidant regarding parts-awareness and parts-interaction — even when there haven’t been consequences.
I empathize as best as I can. Big hug vibes!

I think it’s good that you’s had that conversation; it seems to have revealed some important hold-backs regarding how things have been going versus how they could be worked on.
It’s tough, though, with your life being as demanding/busy and stressful as it is, and I can appreciate and respect that.

Timing, eh? Hahaha.

Take very good care, and best wishes on your System’s cooperation.

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